Wife does too much, feels unappreciated

Dear Amy: I have been married for 33 years. I love my husband, but I have totally enabled him — to the point where I am now feeling abused.

For instance, this morning, he was in a minor car accident. Through my business relationships, I have an excellent contact in the repair business, and so I kindly took his car in, gave him mine to use in the interim and picked up the rental.

I asked him to drive the rental so I could have my car back and he refused. I told him I felt used. He basically said I should get over it.

Because of my family background and decades of behaving this way, I am now at the point where I feel incredibly put upon because of all of the expectations, as well as the total lack of gratitude.

At this point I want to try and start pulling back from “doing everything” in our household: Making breakfast, lunch, coffee, laundry, cleaning, running the accounts, doing the taxes, etc.

It is important for me to keep harmony in my house, but I also want to take care of myself. How can I change this? — Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: You sound like a nurturing, competent caretaker. Perhaps you feel disappointed if people don’t do things as well as you know you can, and so you do more, but then feel unappreciated.

I’m trying to point out that you have a big part to play in this dynamic, because in order to change it, you’re going to have to learn to back off, and not immediately jump up to volunteer your services.

This morning, for instance. Did your husband ask you to solve his problem for him?

Couples are supposed to help each other. Your husband needs to be given the opportunity, and the expectation, to step up and help himself, and also help you.

When you change, even a little bit, people around you will change, too.