Speaking ill of the dead is callous

Dear Miss Manners: My mother-in-law is very ill, and we have all been put on alert for her passing away. According to the doctors, it will happen in a few weeks. We are preparing mentally for this.

My mother-in-law and I have never been close or very friendly. She has always said disparaging things about me to my face, as well as behind my back.

Consequently, my inlaws have treated me as an outsider.

While not glad for her passing — and wanting to be supportive of my spouse — I don’t know how to respond when I will receive comments like “So sorry for your loss” or “She was such a good mother-in-law.” I’m not sorry to no longer have her in my life — and she was not a good mother-in-law.

Gentle Reader: You should respond to condolences by saying “Thank you” and let pass any praise they may offer. They are not asking for a recital of your grievances.

Miss Manners believes that you should also be aware that by doing otherwise — by what you think of as setting the record straight — the reputation you alter is likely to be your own.

Complaining about inlaws while they are alive may elicit some sympathy, but doing so instead of mourning is not likely to have that response. It will seem gratuitously mean — which is why there is a convention of not speaking ill of the dead — as well as callous toward your presumably grieving spouse. People who feel they have known a better side of your mother-in—law will conclude that you were the problem.

Dear Miss Manners: My soon-to-be daughterin-law has made a bridal registry. She has a 12-year-son from a prior relationship.

Is it appropriate to add a soccer net to a bridal registry?

Gentle Reader: Evidently you have not noticed that Miss Manners does not believe that getting married — or graduating, or having a baby, or any other milestone — is a license to beg.

What you beg for does not make it more or less acceptable.