No points for sister’s boyfriend

Dear Amy: I am writing about my sister. She entered into a relationship with her new-ish stepdad’s nephew, whom she met at our mother’s wedding. A year after the wedding they decided to pursue a relationship. She initially asked me my thoughts and I let her know I thought she could do better, as this guy lived several states away, smokes, drinks heavily, and didn’t have a job, etc.

He eventually moved to be with her, got a job and tried to quit smoking (points). But his job is low paying, and I fear she finances his life, and he can’t quit smoking. I have small children and I don’t like him being around them because of the smell. They also have their guard up because of the weirdness of the relationship (being related through marriage), and get defensive about it. She also tries to slide him into family situations as if he belongs. They play the “family card” when it benefits them.

He is from a different part of the country, and they almost force us to accept him as one of the family. But to me he is still a stranger with some significant flaws. He will assume he can do things, such as borrow my things without asking, or enter my house with the spare key my sister has. I cannot see my sister without him being around.

I think a boyfriend coming into the family should make an impression by being polite and let everyone warm up to him. However, he has been quite the opposite. My sister is SUPER sensitive. No one likes this guy and everyone thinks she is crazy. Should I do anything, or just try to be as amicable as possible? — Concerned

Dear Concerned: This man is your sister’s partner. You have already been generous with your low opinion of him, and now you need to accept him. Your sister may not be living her life in the way you want, but — it is her life. I am not surprised that she is so sensitive, because you seem to be dissatisfied with this man’s efforts and always on the lookout for (and keeping score of ) his flaws. You seem determined never to warm up to him.

You should get your house key back, because the one thing you can do is control who comes in your home if you’re not there.