A friendship falters as forgiveness fades

Dear Amy: A dear friend of mine of many years got angry with me and treated me very poorly. She apologized, I accepted.

I don’t want to lose the friendship, however I am afraid of doing something else that might set her off.

Do you have any suggestions? — Embarrassed in NY

Dear Embarrassed:

If you are so fearful of this person’s reaction that you won’t even risk broaching the topic with her, then your friendship is not back on track. If you want your friendship to be restored and functional, you need to be brave enough to bring up this incident.

Try: “I want you to know that I’m still struggling with some emotional fallout from our upsetting disagreement. Can we talk about this some more? I really want to get back on track.”

She may say, “Hey, I’ve apologized already. You need to get over it.” This is the knee-jerk reaction of someone who is at fault and wants to throttle past their wrongdoing. And that’s when you should try to be brave and vulnerable to say, “Well, I’m still struggling.”

Dear Amy: I loved your response to “Clean.” You suspected that her mother-inlaw might have OCD.

I have lived with OCD, and it’s best to just let us soothe ourselves for a few moments. This MIL needs to find ways to prepare herself and plan before social gatherings so that she can enjoy time with family. No matter what we go through, we have to be mindful to maintain those strong relationships with the people who love us. — Happy OCD Mom

Dear Happy:

I presented OCD as an idea, not a definitive diagnosis (I can’t diagnose anyone) — mainly because this person’s cleaning seemed to be somewhat ritualized and obsessive. I was also hoping that the daughter-in-law could see this as a soothing ritual, versus a verdict on the cleanliness of her own house. Thank you for sharing your insight.