Reader stresses over friendship with ex

Dear Readers: I’ve briefly stepped away from my column to work on a new writing project.

This week, I’m rerunning topical Q&A from 10 years ago. I’m calling today’s topic, “More than friends.”

I’ll be back next week with fresh columns.

Dear Amy: I have a friend with whom I was intimate with many years ago.

I recently heard from this friend after 18 years of no contact.

Our spouses are not aware of our relationship, but I enjoy our phone conversations.

I find myself looking forward to the next call.

I am afraid to tell my spouse for fear of losing this relationship. Is it wrong to keep this private?

A part of me says it’s wrong to keep this from my spouse, and a part of me says I’m entitled to have this person who emotionally supports me in my life. — Confused

Dear Confused: You are entitled to have a person in your life that offers you emotional support. Ideally, that person is your spouse.

This secret relationship is placing your marriage at great risk. One clue to how dangerous it is, is your fear that disclosing this secret will cause that relationship to end.

Ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse chose to have frequent, emotionally charged, secret contact with a former, intimate partner. Then you should come clean about this relationship, and do the brave thing — and end it.

You should work with your spouse to recover the emotional intimacy that is so obviously absent in your relationship.

Every marriage faces challenges, and every relationship changes based on how partners react to these challenges.

You and your spouse could strengthen your relationship by working through this together. (May, 2009)

Amy Dickinson ASK AMY