A bully’s behavior must be dealt with

Dear Amy: One of my dearest friends, “Susan,” is married to a man many of the people in our group don’t enjoy. I tolerate him, because I love her.

“Bernie” talks at us instead of to us, monologues and interrupts a lot.

My friend has told me privately that he’s verbally abusive to her, but she loves him, so she lets it slide.

Bernie recently “went off” on me. He became enraged and verbally abusive when I asked him mildly to please allow me to finish my story before interrupting.

I was shaking when I told Susan about this. She responded, “Oh that’s just him, it doesn’t mean anything.”

Later she told me not to expect an apology, because he never apologizes.

Later, I told her that I was worried it was going to be weird to be around him, and she said, “Oh don’t worry, he’s completely over it.”

Unfortunately, Amy, I am NOT over it. I don’t ever want to be around him again because I feel angry, disrespected, threatened and afraid that unless I treat him with kid gloves, he might go bonkers again.

Any suggestions? — Furious Friend

Dear Furious: One suggestion is for you to find a way to stand up to this bully the next time he goes bonkers. You should do so in a way where you are true to your own values and behavior.

Yes, you could avoid him, but then he would be controlling your movements and social choices. Obviously, you won’t be inviting this guy to your home.

His wife is his enabler and clean-up crew. She is with him, and in order to stay with him she must discount and normalize his behavior and the effect it has on her, and others.

You could say to her, “Look, I’m not judging you. But I don’t like being yelled at, and I don’t intend to tolerate it.”