Guy mismanages his anger

Dear Amy: I have been dating a wonderful man for nine months. He is smart, funny and deeply charming, as well as being ridiculously attractive. I see a great future for the two of us.

However, every once in a while he will do something that I just can’t get past. We’ll be having a normal conversation, when suddenly, he’ll pretend to be mad at me and literally pick a fight.

It comes out of nowhere. Growing up, my father was prone to out-of-the-blue rages, so my first reaction is terror, followed quickly by intense anger.

I’ve explained that I find this behavior confusing and very upsetting, and he apologizes at the time.

He’s not a great communicator, and I tend to avoid conflict, so I’m not sure how to address this.

What should I do? — I Wasn’t Mad, but Now I Am

Dear Mad: I agree with your take on this, that your guy chooses this extremely passive but very manipulative path as a way of expressing his genuine anger over something unrelated.

I wonder if his parents taught him to suppress his honest reactions to things that upset him. However, the reasons behind this don’t matter as much as the behavior, itself.

You should communicate your concerns very clearly, during a time when things are calm. It might help you to write down your thoughts. Give examples of times when this has happened. You should explain the effect this baffling behavior has on you, and urge him to try harder to express himself honestly in the moment.

It takes work, but it is possible to change the way you each handle conflict.

If he is unable or unwilling to work on this, I agree with you that this is a dealbreaker. In addition to the effect this has on you, imagine the challenge of raising children?

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