Partner’s response bears scrutiny

Dear Amy: My partner and I have been living together for five years. We are both in our 60s and each have grown children. We are together almost all day.

I get startled very easily. If someone walks quietly into a room, I jump and gasp.

I’ve never had a horrible trauma that might cause it. I do remember many years ago my father quietly entering a room and my mother jumping with fear when she saw him. My father seemed to find this funny, even knowing how angry she got.

Now my partner does this, and I hate it!

Amy, he claims it is my fault for not anticipating that he will walk into the same room. But how can I?

We have had numerous intense arguments about this and it still happens at least a few times a week. I’ve asked him to make some kind of noise before approaching me. If he does, I’m not startled, but he says he forgets.

Please, any suggestions? — Fraidy Cat

Dear Fraidy: The startle response is an important evolutionary reaction to alarm.

However, in researching your question, I’ve learned about a genetic disorder called “Hyperekplexia,” which is, basically, a response that goes beyond merely flinching when a person is startled. Someone with this disorder might “jump and gasp,” as you describe.

I’m not saying you have Hyperekplexia, but because this issue is affecting you several times a week, you should do some research and get a professional assessment. Cognitive behavioral therapy might help to subdue your reaction.

In terms of your partner, I do think it’s possible that he forgets. He also might not realize you are in a particular room when he enters it. I don’t know how you can be certain he is “secretly” entertained by this. You should continue to talk about it, and yes, he should understand that this is serious.