DNA proves dad, but where is mom?

Dear Amy: I submitted my DNA on an ancestry site. I received an email from a newly discovered son, “Joe.” Joe was adopted at birth and had received minimal information about his mother, although she left information that the father (me) was unaware of the pregnancy. (I was in college at the time. I am currently in my 70s).

I welcomed the information and have established a long-distance relationship.

I now am fairly certain that I know the identity of Joe’s birth mother. I wanted to get her permission before I disclosed her name to Joe, but have discovered that she died several years ago.

I have discovered the names of her other children

I think I can now tell Joe everything I know, so he can perhaps learn more about his birth mother.

Thoughts? — DNA Papa

Dear Papa: You are genuinely motivated to help your son, but — exposing a group of strangers to the shock of this (potentially incorrect) information, you should advise him to first go to the county where he was born and fill out a petition with the court to have access to his adoption records.

People who register to have their DNA tested and entered into a databank do so with some awareness that they might be in store for some surprises.

People placing children for adoption also have the legal right to their own privacy. They have tackled a very painful dilemma, which is worlds away from yours.

“Joe” should go through legal channels. He should also be patient — because, given the ubiquity of these DNA databases, there is a likelihood that he will receive more “pings” and notifications that he has additional DNA matches.

I might advise you toward more proactive disclosure if Joe was facing a serious inherited illness, but that doesn’t seem to be the case, here. Readers can send email to askamy@amydickinson.com or letters to “Ask Amy” P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY, 13068.

Amy Dickinson ASK AMY