Workplace harassment leaves one confused

Dear Readers: Every year I step away from my column briefly to work on other creative projects. Today’s “Best of ” topic from 10 years ago concerns workplace sexual harassment.

Dear Amy: I work from a home office and take occasional meetings with employees of the nonprofit I work for. I also meet with clients.

Recently the organization hired a new director; I was working as a consultant on a project for the organization at the time.

Soon after his hiring, the new director asked to have lunch with me.

The new director and I went to a nearby restaurant to talk about possible future projects, etc.

At the end of the luncheon, as we were saying goodbye outside the restaurant, I reached my hand out to shake his.

Suddenly, he pulled me toward him and kissed me full on the lips.

I was so shocked that I said a weak goodbye and left him standing there.

I completed my assignment feeling awkward and wondering if I wanted to work with him in the future. This is not a decision I can make lightly as there are very few job opportunities in my area of expertise.

Amy, I would appreciate your perspective on this situation. I wonder if he has a problem that should be reported to the board of trustees.

I also wonder if I am making too much of this. Am I?

— Kissed Consultant

Addressing the question of whether

Dear Kissed:

you are making too much of this: Do your other colleagues and clients kiss you on the lips after a business meeting? Does this director kiss male colleagues and consultants on the lips after a meeting?

I assume the answer to both questions is no.

People who are subjected to unwanted sexual contact often wonder if they are overreacting. They are often also encouraged to doubt their own instincts.

There is a very commonsense boundary around business meetings, and it’s not really that challenging or confusing to stay within the boundary. Physical contact after a business meeting should be confined to a handshake.

Yes, I believe you should write a letter to the board of trustees regarding this new employee.

Explain in very simple language what happened, i.e., “At the end of our business lunch, when I extended my hand to shake his, Mr. Smith kissed me on the lips. I was shocked at the time, and upon reflection continue to be concerned about his conduct. In my experience consulting for this organization, I have always conducted myself professionally and until now have always been treated with professionalism.”

If the board handles this well, expect to revive your business relationship and work with the organization in the future.

Dear Amy: Your answer to “Kissed Consultant” was way off the mark. This consultant was kissed by a new director of the nonprofit she was consulting for, and you want her to notify the board of directors?

What if he misread her signals, or what if he is from another culture and didn’t know any better?

— Appalled

Dear Appalled: This man should already know better than to pull a business associate close and kiss her full on the lips after their first meeting.

One way to educate him would be for the board of directors to let him know what is and is not acceptable professional conduct.

Dear Amy: I know you took flak for your response to the “Kissed Consultant,” who said that a male director of the nonprofit she was consulting for kissed her on the lips after a business lunch.

I thought your comments were right on. When this happened to me, I reported it to my boss (it was his boss who was the kisser).

He talked to his boss, who apologized.

— Happened to Me

Dear Happened: Unless this sort of thing has happened to you, I don’t know if people can understand what a violation this is from a business associate who, incidentally, is also a complete stranger.

No matter what the intention might have been, this is not an affectionate or friendly act, but one that seems aggressive. It is highly inappropriate.