Vengeful Ron transforms happiest place on earth

Hopefully, Florida’s super decider of moral rightness will finally put a stop to deviant old Donald traipsing about with no pants.

No, not that deviant old Donald, though the gov intends to get rid of him too. It’s the other Donald and all his pervy Disney cohorts who have piqued the governor’s ire.

For 89 years, Donald Duck has been depicted naked below the waist. In all that time, no politician has had the courage to challenge the debauched Mickey Mouse industrial complex.

But, as Ron DeSantis warned the Walt Disney Company on Monday, “There’s a new sheriff in town.”

Think “High Noon,” “Rio Bravo.” Better yet, “Blazing Saddles.” When our badass sheriff moseys down Main Street U.S.A., Floridians can be confident that Sleeping Beauty will never be woke. Liberals won’t be telling Cruella De Vil she can’t wear fur. No one’s gonna warn Buzz Lightyear he can’t pack heat without a license.

The new sheriff won’t let the EPA classify the Little Mermaid as an endangered species. Superheroes won’t be running around the amusement park in girlie tights. Sheriff Ron’s gonna keep Captain Hook out of handicapped parking. He’ll relegate “Black Panther” to the back of the monorail.

DeSantis traveled to Lake Buena Vista Monday, the very belly of the beast, to sign legislation that punishes Disney for criticizing his signature “don’t say gay” law.

The how-dare-you-question-me statute authorized the governor to seize control of the Reedy Creek Improvement District, which the Legislature created back in 1967 to allow Disney to self-govern 40 square miles southwest of Orlando.

All five members of the Reedy Creek board had been appointed by the Disney Company. It was always an extraordinary deal, but the Legislature happily tolerated the special arrangement until last year, when Disney dared to trash “don’t say gay.”

DeSantis, always eager for a tussle, shifted into outrage mode. Republican legislators were forced to choose between the state’s most important corporate entity or a cultural warrior known for his ear-biting, eye-gouging, groin-kicking, Fox News-pleasing politics.

Easy choice in Florida. The lawmakers went after Disney, passing legislation that replaced the Reedy Creek board with the Central Florida Tourism Oversight District, a misleading name given that its sole agenda is to remind Disney that Sheriff Ron is itching for a showdown (preferably before the 2024 presidential primaries).

DeSantis chose five rightwing toadies for his wild ride, including the chairman of a Christian nationalist ministry and a founder of the book-banning Moms for Liberty. It’s the kind of oversight board that could reduce Snow White to a cowering snowflake and suggest that there’s something unseemly about her non-traditional relationship with seven, diminutive housemates.

Despite the anti-Disney bombast voiced at Lake Buena Vista, the new arrangement is not quite as drastic as it might have been. After an ill-conceived attempt by the Legislature last year to bomb Reedy Creek out of existence (metaphorically), the 2023 revision allows Disney to retain its special tax status. The company continues to fund its own government services and, unless the board decides to meddle, develop new projects without the local city or county government approval required of other businesses.

But Monday’s bill-signing ceremony came with a threatening subtext: If Disney entertainment or corporate policies succumb to “woke ideology,” the governor’s board will turn the happiest place on earth into a misnomer.

It sounded like a warning when DeSantis said, “All of these board members very much would like to see the type of entertainment that all families can appreciate.” Don’t confuse “all families” with all kinds of families.

DeSantis and his Fox News cheerleaders were already irked with Disney for mandating masks and vaccines during the pandemic. But criticism of “don’t say gay” was tantamount to blasphemy.

DeSantis fired out a mass fundraising email declaring that “Woke Disney” had “lost any moral authority to tell you what to do.”

Fox’s Laura Ingraham said Disney should change Splash Mountain to Sex Mountain.

There’s an easy way for Disney to appease DeSantis and his lackies on the Central Florida Tourism Oversight District. The company could simply purchase, for a hefty sum, movie rights to DeSantis’ new book, “The Courage to be Free.”

(The studio adaptation might need to liven up a tome the New York Times said, “Reads like a politician’s memoir churned out by ChatGPT,” and the Guardian called “a mirthless read.”)

Disney already has the perfect leading man on hand, a longtime star in need of a meaty part. (What could be meatier than playing the governor Donald Trump has dubbed “Meatball Ron”?)

Of course, the DeSantis oversight board won’t approve a movie deal unless Donald wears pants.