Ex-husband’s troubled past burdens family

Dear Amy: After many years of marriage and two children, my now exhusband revealed that a few years before he and I met, when he was about 30 years old, he had a “consensual” sexual relationship with his 15-yearold nonbiological niece (his ex-wife’s niece). Everyone in their family found out and was upset — but nothing happened.

I was devastated by this information and other serious problems in our marriage, and we divorced. Our children are 15 and 17 years old.

My ex and I still live in our hometown and share custody of our children.

I haven’t told our kids — or my family — about this event. I’m living in fear that my kids will find out one day and that they will resent me.

Holding onto this secret has cost me a price. On occasion, I look like the “bad guy” in our divorce, which is unfair to me.

I think my ex can still be charged for this crime, and although this is unlikely, it has impacted our lives in other ways. Should I just live with this?

— Sick of Secrets

Dear Sick of Secrets: First of all, no sexual relationship with a 15-year-old can be considered “consensual,” because (with a few exceptions depending on the state where this occurred) 15-year-olds are too young to consent. The age differential between a 30-year-old and a 15-yearold makes this lack of consent more obvious (this is not like two teens having a sexual relationship).

If you have any valid reason to suspect, believe or worry that this behavior might continue, you should notify your children. But you don’t mention having this concern.

You have every right to loathe your ex for this sexual misconduct or for any other reason. You don’t have the right to use your knowledge of this crime to retaliate against your ex-husband now. And so you have to question your own motivation.

Based on the way you’ve framed this, you seem worried that your kids might have too high an opinion of their father — when you believe that he doesn’t deserve it. In fact, he might not deserve it.

But he is their father. Children do love undeserving parents.

If your ex-husband lies to your children about you or unfairly casts you as

“the bad guy,” you should immediately correct the record. Otherwise, this is not your secret. It’s his. If the victim ever chooses to come forward, he will be forced to face this.

You worry that if you don’t tell your children, they will resent you. I believe it’s more likely that they will resent you if you do tell them, because you would be transferring the burden of this knowledge from yourself onto them.

Dear Amy: I saw a friend for the first time in six months or so. In the interval, she had lost weight, looked great and was obviously feeling amazing.

I asked her how she’d done it, and she named a weight-loss program

I’d never heard of. She said she would email me details, and was enthusiastic about me joining this program.

I looked up the name of the program, and I saw that it is basically a multitier marketing scheme. It appears to be quite expensive, and the program urges members to recruit new members.

I’m not planning to participate, but I’m torn about telling my friend about this scheme — I’m also wondering how to turn her down when she contacts me. Any ideas?

— I’d Rather Stay Chunky

Dear Chunky: Assuming that the information you gathered is correct, the way to turn down an offer to join a multilevel marketing scheme is politely, firmly and — if necessary — repeatedly. You can say, “I’m happy you’re doing so well, but this is not for me.”

Dear Amy: A letter from “Want to Escape” made a reference to “Escape” (the “Pina Colada Song”) as being by Barry Manilow.

I’m sure others beat me to it, but that song was written and performed by Rupert Holmes.

I just wanted to set the “record” straight.

— An Old Guy Who Likes Old Music

Dear Old Guy: I take responsibility for the error and appreciate the corrections from many readers. My apologies to the composer and Tonyaward winning playwright Rupert Holmes. His yachtrock earworm is truly one for the ages.