The things I’ve done wrong as a parent
Since I’ve been writing about parenthood lately, I thought I’d share some things I’ve done wrong and things I’ve done right as a parent. I’ll start with the things I believe I’ve done wrong, or at least could have done better.
Just to remind my readers, I have two teenagers – a 19-year-old son who has finished his first year of college, and a 16-year-old daughter who will begin her junior year in high school in the fall.
I believe my kids have turned out well. They aren’t perfect, but they have been successful in school, behave well outside of the home, have good friends, and aren’t afraid of work. But there are things that I wish I would have done differently now that I have a lot of years to look back on.
One thing that I didn’t do well enough at first was keep up with my kids’ online activity. I was a little bit naïve about what my kids could get into and be exposed to. Although I knew what was out there, I was naïve about how much was out there and how easy it was to access. I basically turned them loose into an ocean of perversion without a life jacket nearby. I never bought them their own computer until college, but they did have their own smart phones from the age of 13. I also allowed my son’s internet use to be influenced by someone that I didn’t know very well.
I did learn from it and had some hard but good conversations with my children. I eventually purchased equipment that restricted internet use and allowed me to monitor their internet use, which was worth every penny and worth my time setting it up and figuring it out. I encourage all parents to do that immediately! No matter how good your kids are, it’s just too tempting for a young person, and there are so many things they can accidentally happen upon.
Another thing I wish I hadn’t done is I sometimes share too much with them. I know my kids are big now, one of them technically grown, but there were things I shouldn’t tell them. They don’t need the burden of knowing everything in my adult world. I always wanted to be honest and open with my kids, and we have a good relationship and they share a lot with me because of it, but there were times I should have just kept things to myself.
A third thing I’m not proud of is fighting with their dad in front of them. We all fight, and sometimes it’s good for kids to hear that you can fight and still stay married, but sometimes we say mean things to one another that our kids don’t need to hear. Again, it’s a burden they don’t need to carry. Plus, sometimes when kids hear their parents argue, they may feel like they have to take a side, and we don’t want them feeling that way.
I also wish I had spoken up for them a couple of times that I didn’t. There were times I didn’t think they were being treated fairly, and I didn’t say anything or let my husband say anything because I didn’t want to embarrass them or cause any drama. However, there were times that if I had spoken up, things may have changed for the better. In addition, if I had handled it well, it wouldn’t have hurt. There are times I have spoken up, and I don’t regret those times.
Finally, I wish I had spent more time reading with them as they got older. We read a lot when they were young, up until junior high. I had some of the best conversations while reading books with them or reading the Bible with them, but it tapered off as they became teenagers. Recently when we have done a devotional together, they both really enjoyed it. My daughter said we should do that more. This summer we will.
Next week I’ll share some things I think I’ve done right as a parent. Hopefully those things have outweighed the mistakes I have made.