Late laughs
Conan
White House adviser Kellyanne Conway suggested that President Obama could have spied on
Donald Trump through a microwave oven. Which is why, today, the Trump administration brought in six Hot Pockets for questioning. President Trump says he’s planning to travel less to other countries than previous presidents. The idea was first suggested to him by other countries. This week, President Trump will meet with a Saudi prince. The man born into immense wealth with multiple wives and an exotic head covering says he can’t wait to meet the Saudi prince. Everyone’s OK, but over the weekend, off the coast of Florida, a Carnival Cruise ship almost hit two jet-skiers. Today, the captain of the ship apologized and said, “I’ll get them next time.”
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
On Friday night, someone actually jumped the White House fence. Secret Service eventually caught them and said: “Sorry, but you have to stay here for ALL four years, Mr. President.” The creators of “Game of Thrones” just announced that the show’s final season will only be six episodes, instead of 10. That’s when you know things are crazy on “Game of Thrones,” when even the EPISODES are getting killed off. Well you guys, last night was the big finale of “The Bachelor!” And Nick wound up getting engaged to Vanessa, a teacher from
Canada. Nick didn’t PLAN on marrying Vanessa, but after seeing the GOP healthcare plan, moving to Canada was the logical decision. I saw that the New York Jets tried to get free agent Dont’a Hightower over the weekend by giving him cupcakes and wishing him a Happy Birthday on every TV in the building. Hightower says it was nice, but it only counts if they say it on Facebook. Last night, a federal judge in Hawaii blocked a second version of Trump’s travel ban, and now he says he’ll bring it to the Supreme Court. And if THEY block it, he says he’ll take it to the Justice League.
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
The GOP’s healthcare plan came out last week and, so far, it’s popular with everyone ... except doctors, hospitals, the insurance industry, patients, the elderly, Democrats, Republicans and — what’s the word? — mortals. Yeah. These mortals, they need so much care. This afternoon, the Congressional Budget Office released its official analysis of the GOP’s healthcare bill and found that 24 million Americans will lose coverage under the plan. But keep in mind, that’s 24 million people by 2026. And without health insurance, a lot of those people won’t live that long anyway.
The Late Late Show With James Corden
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced yesterday that Donald Trump would be donating his presidential salary to a charity at the end of the year. Credit where credit is due: Trump is getting pretty creative in the ways he’s refusing to pay his taxes. Trump’s adviser, Kellyanne Conway, gave a TV interview on Sunday, and people noticed that she displays a photo of herself in her living room. This is true. Take a look at the photo just there. Wow, her microwave takes great pictures! Who has a framed picture of themselves, on their own, in their living room? She should change her name from Kellyanne Conway to Kellyanne Kanye.