100 days of gratitude—a Trump report
Many Americans are greeting the first 100 days of the Trump administration with weeping and gnashing of teeth. Not me. I am Mr. Optimism and Good Cheer. I am for walking on the sunny side of the street while the climate is still temperate enough to allow that.
So today, let us count all the good things that have occurred since the inauguration while gloomy people were moping. First, President Grump hasn't started a nuclear war with North Korea (yet). There's still time to build a classic 1950s shelter.
His administration has adopted a very sensible policy for countering the paranoid North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, he of the strange haircut. It basically amounts to shaking a large stick at him so he will forget to feel paranoid and maybe even visit a regular barber.
Have you ever tried this with a paranoid person in your neighborhood who is walking down the street yelling wild things? No, I haven't either, but I am sure it would be helpful.
If push comes to shove, we can be confident that our armed forces are up to the task. They were in a shocking state just a few months ago—Mr. Grump suggested so on the campaign trail—but miraculously when the new president came on board they suddenly became the best again.
They misplaced a carrier battle group the other day. The administration said it was going to Korea when at the time it was actually steaming to Australia. Fortunately, the ships were soon found and turned around, which was a good thing as you can't have admirals saying, “What the heck? I know those ships are around somewhere.”
Of course, fair-minded Americans recognize this could happen to anyone as Korea and Australia are often confused. People talk about the fog of war, but the fog of peace can be just as impenetrable, especially if you are new to the job and bring your own fogginess.
Fortunately, the president has recruited China to help us deal with the bad-haircut guy. They have promised to do as little as they can but will continue to sell us stuff for Wal-Mart and Ivanka can also sell fashion items to them. So everything is swell.
Moreover, the Chinese president gave our president a great little lecture about North Korea—better than TED Talks without Ted, better even than the lectures available to students at Trump U., assuming they were not already in bankruptcy. Now he is an expert in the field and can tell you that kimchi is not the North Korean defense secretary.
Unfortunately, Mr. Grump apparently didn't take the opportunity to scold the Chinese for starting the climate-change hoax. This shows what a natural diplomat he is, not wishing to offend without proof they are Muslim or Mexican.
What we need in this country is more methane, a manly sort of gas that spells employment. Breathing is overrated anyway. We can't have effete liberals sitting around tasting the air like wine snobs.
No, what we need are people busy at jobs fueled by fossil fuels promoted by fossil politicians. Americans can grow bigger noses if they need more air or else have them surgically enhanced, which would be a boost to the health care industry.
Ah, health care. One little temporary hiccup occurred in the unveiling of Trumpcare, which is going to be the greatest innovation in the medical world since the application of leeches to infected wounds. Did you know that stupidity will not count as a pre-existing condition? The health of insurance companies will soon be restored and we will all be dying to see that.
The best thing Mr. Grump has done is to destroy the idea of role models, which was a concept invented by academics, some wearing beards and sandals, and then propagated on daytime TV by media personalities. The idea was always nonsense. Little kids were coerced to go against their natures and emulate all sorts of unsuitable characters chosen by the media.
Mr. Grump has broken that myth forever. Who wants to have their kid grow up to be a swaggering, untruthful, name-calling, bullying braggart? Why, a kid like that could end up as president of the United States!
George Washington was said to have chopped down a cherry tree as a child but did not lie when confronted. If young Donald Grump chopped down a cherry tree, he would say: “It's fake news. Obama chopped it down!”
What a blessing he has been to us these 100 days.