Late laughs
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
White House press secretary Sean Spicer officially resigned. That’s right, Spicer said that all the greats always know when to leave on top.
Over the weekend, new White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci deleted a bunch of old tweets that were critical of Trump’s platform. Trump was shocked — he said, “You can delete tweets?”
I saw that WebMD is being sold for $2.8 billion. The owner said he was just getting tired, but WebMD says it could either be gout, polio or scurvy.
That’s right, WebMD is being sold. No word on who bought it, but let’s just say the Republicans finally found a replacement for Obamacare.
I read that you can now buy a new, wine-flavored jelly. Which is a great idea, until your kid’s teacher calls and says, “I dunno what happened to Billy. He ate a PB&J and keeps singing ‘Don’t Stop Believin‘.’”
Today is National Cousins Day. And if you’re from West Virginia, happy anniversary!
Last night, President Trump gave a big speech at the Boy Scouts of America National Scout Jamboree. And this is cool — his healthcare bill won the award for “Scariest Campfire Story.”
A new study found that procrastination might be genetic. I asked my mom if that was true, and she was like, “Yeah, I meant to tell you that 20 years ago.”
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
On Friday, Sean Spicer resigned as White House press secretary. He wanted to spend more time not answering his family’s questions.
Spicer quit on Friday because Trump appointed a new communications director, former hedge fund manager and lawyer Anthony Scaramucci. Of course, when it comes to Scaramucci, there’s only one question everybody’s asking: “Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Will you do the fandango?”
Not only did Sean Spicer resign over “the Mooch’s” hiring, but a White House insider says, “This was a murdering of Reince and Bannon. They said Anthony would get this job over their dead bodies.” That’s terrible. Before this, those guys were only dead on the inside.
The Late Late Show With James Corden
This morning, Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, testified in front of a Senate Intelligence Committee and insisted that he did not collude with Russia. Before appearing in front of the committee, Kushner released an 11-page statement denying that he colluded with the Russians. Now look, I’m not an intelligence expert, but if you need 11 pages to explain yourself, you so colluded. It’s a totes collude.
Yesterday, Donald Trump spoke at the National Boy Scout Jamboree, and it was horrific. During his speech, Trump told the Scouts that Health and Human Resources Secretary Tom Price would be fired if Congress doesn’t repeal and replace Obamacare. To which the Boy Scouts replied, “Dude, we’re 10.”
Today, Donald Trump announced on Twitter that he wants to ban transgender soldiers from serving in the U.S. military. This is unusual — usually, when Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor’s note saying he has a foot injury. It worked fine for him during Vietnam.