Late laughs
The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon
Later this year, Domino’s is going to start testing self-driving delivery cars. Yeah, self-driving delivery cars. If your pizza doesn’t crash into your house in less than 30 minutes, it’s free. A United flight from Italy to Newark was infested with ants after a bunch of them spilled out of a passenger’s carry-on. The other passengers were like, “We had to throw out our shampoo, but that guy got to bring ants??” Facebook is coming out with its own cryptocurrency called “Libra.” Yeah, the company that can’t even keep your data safe now wants to keep your money. It’s like someone dropping a carton of eggs, then asking if they can hold your baby. We are just two days away from the official start of summer! Which means kids are forced to take those summer jobs nobody else wants — pool cleaner, delivery boy, White House press secretary. The White House says Trump is going to keep using the slogan “Make America Great Again,” and wearing his usual red hat. It’s like when your kid only wants to wear that one superhero outfit to school, and you’re like, “Whatever gets you on the bus.”
The Late Late Show With James Corden
Despite what you may have heard, I do still feel like London is my home. I do. If one more person tries to tell me that I’ve gone Hollywood, I tell you, I am gonna pour my juice cleanse right over their head. I came to the U.K. to get away from the shallow, superficial culture of Los Angeles, and now I find out that Big Ben is getting a facelift. It’s like I never left.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
O.J. Simpson is on Twitter now … . He’s only been on Twitter for like four days — he’s already got almost 700,000 followers. The last time O.J. had this many people following him, he was on the 405 headed to the Mexican border. At the White House today, Trump hosted the prime minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau, with whom he’s had a somewhat contentious relationship. You know you have a hothead president when you have to defuse tensions with Canada.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
The fruit company Driscoll’s has announced it will begin selling raspberries and strawberries meant to taste like rosé. While Franzia is still trying to make a wine that does that. According to a new poll, more than 60 percent of Americans believe that Facebook has too much power. Said people who took the poll, “What? I didn’t take that poll … “ After President Trump announced on Twitter last night that immigration officials will begin mass arrests and deportations of people in the United States illegally, administration officials said they were not aware Trump would discuss the plan publicly. Oh you weren’t aware? Have you not met him? That’s like going to see Billy Joel and getting upset that he played “Piano Man.”