Late laughs
A Little Late With Lilly Singh
After a day of signing things, I feel like I have carpal tunnel — the only person with a [more] sore wrist is a 13-year-old boy who just got internet.
I wouldn’t spend $20 on a sponge, even if it lived in a pineapple under the sea!
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
We have college students here from local schools, and this is very cool, we actually have something in common: You got into these great schools, and I was rejected by all of them!
Bernie Sanders’ campaign is in complete disarray. Campaign workers say it’s unorganized and total chaos. Basically, if the campaign were a person, it would look like Bernie Sanders.
I read about a pet tortoise that was just reunited with its owner after running away over a year ago. Apparently, the owner took three steps outside and was like, “Oh, there you are!”
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Yes, “break glass” is always a sure sign that everything is A-OK! That’s why public buildings have axes on the wall with signs that say, “Break glass if everything is hunky dory.”
CNN was on top of all the most important news, like, “As the trial began today, Sen. Mitt Romney was spotted with a glass of chocolate milk on his desk — then the president’s lawyer said something about impeachable offenses, but I didn’t catch most of it because I was working on my sources to find out if Romney’s milk was whole or 2%.”
The Late Late Show with James Corden
A newlywed couple in Michigan was taking wedding photos outside when they were photobombed by a deer who came over and started eating the bride’s bouquet. The deer ate the bride’s bouquet and crashed the photo shoot — I guess the deer was hungry and thirsty.
A woman in Wisconsin wanted to record her sister’s wedding proposal, but to keep from ruining the surprise, she disguised herself as a bush. Yeah because there’s nothing at all suspicious about a bush taking photos of you. But it was a beautiful moment — the groom got down on one knee then a dog came by and lifted up one leg.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
This is a list of some of the people who are more trusted than Donald Trump: [Vladimir] Putin, President Xi, Kim Jong Un, Scar from “The Lion King,” the Joker, Gollum, Bill Cosby, Bernie Madoff, Harvey Weinstein, the ghost of Hitler, and a peanut butter cup with a half-exposed razor blade in it.
Janelle Monae opened the [Oscars] with a version of the Mister Rogers song “It’s A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood,” which was a nice idea but, as those of you who lined up on Hollywood Boulevard know, there has never been a beautiful anything in this neighborhood. This is where homeless Spider-Men gather to steal wallets from Canadians.