‘Comforting’ words trigger grief
Dear Abby: My wife died unexpectedly two years ago, after 18 years of a happy marriage and two kids. While we are doing as well as can be expected, one thing seems to set my grief off. It’s when someone refers to my life as my “new normal.”
I’m not sure I can put my finger on why this phrase bothers me so much, but if I had to guess, it’s because I suspect people are using it to hint that it’s time I moved on. Why is it that people who would be deeply offended if I attempted to tell them what to do with their life, seem to think it’s acceptable to imply that I have grieved enough?
As I look at my life, I know it is forever changed, and it will never be “normal” again. It will be what it is, but I will have lost forever the love of my life and the mother of my children.
Are these people thoughtlessly saying something hurtful, or is it something completely different? — Annoyed In Arkansas
Dear Annoyed: People often are at a loss about what to say to someone who has lost a parent, a spouse or a child. While they may be well-meaning, what comes out of their mouths can be hurtful rather than comforting.
SomethingIhavelearned from experience is that EVERYONE GRIEVES DIFFERENTLY. Do not assume you know what these people are implying when they make that statement. “New normal” is a catchphrase that’s popular now. When it happens again, don’t be confrontational, but do tell them how it made you feel.
Dear Abby: What’s the correct way to break up with someone who lives with you? A friend of mine wants to break up with his girlfriend, who lives in his home along with her adult son and teenage daughter. His concern is she has no place to go. She refuses to work a steady job, so he pays all the bills and supplies her with a vehicle and spending money.
She wants desperately to get married. After two or three years of living with her, he knows he won’t marry her. How should he dissolve this live-in relationship? — Asking For A Friend
Dear Asking: Your “friend” needs to summon up the courage to tell this lady he isn’t in love with her, doesn’t plan to marry her and he wants her to move. He should also give her a date by which he expects her and her “children” to be out of there. He should first discuss this with his attorney and, possibly, offer her enough money for a deposit on a place of her (or their) own. He’ll be glad he did.