Late laughs
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
That’s right, no more masks in Texas! So, if they see you with a bandana over your face, you had better be robbing a stagecoach.
Authorities seized nearly 300 pounds of contraband bologna at the southern border. Take action America, because we can either do something now or see all this play out later in the upcoming series “Narcos: Deli Counter.”
A Little Late with Lilly Singh
Two women disguised themselves as grannies in an effort to get COVID vaccines. It’s nice, for once, to see women working to look older than their age.
The subject line [in an email] is like the hot one in a boy band. The rest matters, sure … just less.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Tanqueray is launching a new alcohol-free gin. It’s perfect for people who don’t love the alcohol but love the taste of stain remover.
Snoop Dogg was playing “Madden” on Twitch, but he got so mad about the game that he ragequit and stormed out of the room. Do you know what it takes to get Snoop Dogg that worked up? His resting heart rate is four.
The Late Late Show With James Corden
Starting in May, Royal Caribbean will be offering cruises in which all of the passengers and all of the crew will already have been vaccinated for COVID-19. I’m worried they’re going to be like, “You don’t need masks on this cruise!” and then hundreds of people die when they go snorkeling.
The vaccine is exactly like the upcoming James Bond movie: both have been delayed multiple times and I’m getting pretty frustrated by it.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
A third woman has now come forward with allegations of inappropriate conduct by New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo and the craziest part is there’s a photo of it! This is how mysteries in an Olsen twins movie end; this is not how real life goes.
Donald Trump is said to be planning his political future right now and the rumor is he’s in the market for a new running mate. Trump thinking Pence is the problem is like Hitler blaming his German shepherd for losing World War II.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
President Biden ordered airstrikes against Syria. Well, that certainly didn’t take long. It’s like going to a Chumbawamba concert and they open with “Tubthumping.” We knew it was coming, we just didn’t know it’d be right away.
Students at the University of Texas have filed a petition to change their alma mater song, “The Eyes of Texas,” because it has racist origins. And just wait until they find out about the origins of Texas.