Late laughs
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
The [Academy Award] speeches were a little different this year, too, because the winners were given no time limits, which was nice, you know? It eliminated the normal frenzied listing of people to thank and allowed winners like Daniel Kaluuya to speak from his heart — about his parents’ loins.
I get that people in the industry want theatres to reopen, but — counterpoint — this weekend I watched “Mortal Kombat” exactly as it was meant to be seen: on my couch, in my underwear, while holding a half-eaten Taco Bell Quesalupa and yelling, “FINISH HIM!”
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Earlier tonight, President Biden delivered his first joint address to Congress on the eve of his 100th day in office. The last time someone in their 70s got that much applause they were doing “Da Butt.”
A big part of [Biden’s American Families Plan] includes free universal preschool. I think that’s pretty good considering sending your kid to preschool now is just handing them an iPad.
The Oscars were really different [this year]. For starters, the show was held at a train station in Los Angeles, because if there’s one thing you think of when you think of L.A., it’s trains.
The Late Late Show with James Corden
“Nomadland” won Best Picture, Best Director and Best Actress — phenomenal film! ... It’s my favorite film that I watched of all those that were nominated, but I do think we all know that “Nomadland” only got lucky because “Mortal Kombat” wasn’t eligible this year.
The CDC released a color-coded graphic that clarifies exactly what is and isn’t safe right now. It lists various activities and the corresponding safety level for both vaccinated and unvaccinated people ... because what better way to get people to remember something than a 14-row, three-column, color-coded document with loads of text?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
DMX topped everything with what has to be the single greatest funeral procession — of all time . ... Instead of a hearse, they transported his coffin on a monster truck. Is that not incredible? This is what they should have done for Prince Philip over in England.
Late Night with Seth Meyers
Advocates for D.C. statehood protested last week outside of Sen. Joe Manchin’s houseboat. Because, after all, if a boat can be a house, then D.C. can be a state.
Residents of a Texas town last week reported seeing a tornado and a rainbow appear at the same time. Unfortunately, no one could follow up with any of the residents because they were immediately raptured.