Late laughs
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
It’s 2022, an unprecedented third straight year of 2020. But you know what? Let’s be positive. It’s a new year, and I have a pretty good feeling about 2023.
The fifth wave [of COVID] is putting a real strain on our transportation system. Due to pandemic-related staff shortages, more than 12,000 flights were canceled between Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day, and, here in New York City, staffing issues led to the suspension of several subway lines. What? Closing the subway because of germs is like closing Broadway because of jazz hands.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
I like having New Year’s resolutions because you can just make them up as you go — sort of like the CDC rules on COVID.
A woman chose to quarantine in an airplane bathroom for three hours after testing positive for COVID mid-flight. It wasn’t really a tough choice. It was either that or the overhead bin, you know? Meanwhile, a second passenger spent three hours in the other bathroom after testing positive for the hummus wrap.
Get this: Mercedes just unveiled a new concept car that’s made from sustainable materials like mushrooms, cacti and food scraps. If you thought Tesla owners were annoying, just wait for the guy whose electric car is also vegan.
Tonight’s Powerball jackpot was over $600,000,000, one of the largest in history. The chances of winning are 292 million to one — they’re saying it’s the same odds as finding a rapid test at CVS.
The Late Late Show With James Corden
The weather was so bad in the Washington, D.C., area today federal offices closed for an official snow day. The area received around 10 inches of snow. L.A. residents were like, “If you think that’s bad, last week it wasn’t even sunny here!”
An annual list was just released of the phrases and words that should be banished because they are overused. Some of the phrases on the list are “No worries,” “You’re on mute,” “Circle back” and “Wait, what?” While we’re at it, we as a team might as well throw “Dry January” onto that list.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Our 7-year-old daughter this morning asked Alexa, “Alexa? Is Santa real?” And we just sat there like, “Oh, what is she going to say?” I mean, you don’t know if that smarty pants little robot’s gonna blow our cover, but thankfully, even though they’re competitors in the delivery business, Alexa is on Team Santa. She said, “All I know is someone has been eating all my cookies,” and the kids were like, “Oh, OK.” Could be Santa. Could be stoners. We don’t know.
The [Oregon State] Beavers are here in town to take on the Aggies of Utah State on Saturday in the highly anticipated Jimmy Kimmel L.A. Bowl. This is a bowl game named after me, and I couldn’t be happier. Having a college bowl game named after me was the second-to-last thing on my bucket list. The only box I have left to check is “Ruining Matt Damon’s credit score.”