Late laughs
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
In response to the nationwide protest [regarding the potential overturning of Roe v. Wade], this morning [Republican Sen. Matt] Gaetz tweeted, “How many of the women rallying against overturning Roe are overeducated, underloved Millennials who sadly return from protests to a lonely microwave dinner with their cats, and no bumble matches?” Now ... for Matt Gaetz, “overeducated” is any woman who has already graduated high school.
One major subvariant [of COVID-19] making the rounds is a spinoff of Omicron’s BA.2 variant called BA.2.12.1. Evidently, the WHO ran out of Greek letters so now they’re just using the password that comes with your router.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Well, guys, today is May 4, also known as Star Wars Day — as in “May the fourth be with you.” That’s right, it’s Star Wars Day. Or for guys in their 30s celebrating it, Solo de Mayo.
Over in Italy, there’s a $700-million superyacht that experts think belongs to Vladimir Putin, and right now it’s trying to set sail before it’s seized. Turns out escaping on a yacht is the last square Putin needs in the supervillain bingo . ... Yeah, you can tell it’s Putin’s yacht because all the life-jackets have weights in them.
I read a new report that said last year ... the FBI searched over three million Americans’ electronic communications without a warrant. People were like, “You can’t invade my privacy like that! ... But wasn’t Becky’s text to me, like, super weird?”
Jimmy Kimmel Live! with Mike Birbiglia
This morning [May 3] I made the mistake of reading the news, and turns out they’re turning “The Handmaid’s Tale” into a reality series. No, I know. It’s a crazy time. I was hoping for something lighter, something with a little more pep. You know, like “World War 3” or “Elon Musk bought the Sun,” but it’s a dark day for the country. And not to make it about me, but it’s a tough day to vaguely resemble Brett Kavanaugh.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
In a new interview, actress Megan Fox said that she and her fiancé, Machine Gun Kelly, occasionally drink a few drops of each other’s blood for “ritual purposes only.” You know what? These guys are a perfect couple because I look at them and I cannot guess whose idea that was.
Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates spoke out yesterday [May 4] against the potential reversal of the Supreme Court’s decision in Roe v. Wade, and warned that it would “set us back 50 years.” He said the next time America makes that much progress, we should remember to hit “Save.”
Maryland Gov. Larry Hogan said that former president Trump should not run for re-election, and added that Trump is “enjoying playing golf five or six days a week.” Why ruin that by going back to a job where he can only play four or five days a week.