Late laughs
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
As a performer, there are three things you don’t want to follow: animals, children or a fascist takeover of your country — “Cabaret” aside.
[With regard to] Dr. Oz, losing this [election] is a huge blow for the far right of Pennsylvania, which in Oz’s case is New Jersey.
As of this morning [Nov. 9], neither candidate [Herschel Walker nor Raphael Warnock] had 50% of the vote, so by Georgia law, the race will go to a runoff. A lucky break for Herschel because, according to many women and children, he’s got a lot of experience running off.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
For both parties, it [the election] wasn’t great, but also not terrible. It was the political equivalent of eating at TGI Friday’s.
Apparently [Donald] Trump blamed Melania for convincing him to back Dr. Oz, saying that it wasn’t her “best decision.” Then Melania was like, “Well, it certainly wasn’t my worst.”
A Southwest Airlines pilot proposed to his girlfriend over the PA system during a flight — and then the flight attendant was like, “If you want to say no, the exits are located here and here.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Yesterday [Nov. 8], of course, was a very important day in American history: it was Tara Reid’s 47th birthday. It was also Election Day. I feel like everyone is exhausted. This is the first election where people don’t even have the energy to threaten to move to Canada. We just wanna go to sleep.
We might not have the [election] results from Nevada until the weekend, which is crazy. Nevada: this is a state where you’ve got slot machines, you’ve got poker machines, you’ve got keno, you’ve got bingo, you go into a sports book [and] they’re tallying up the odds for every game, every horse race, every jai alai match in the world. All of those scores and odds somehow appear on a giant video board in real time — and it takes them five days to count a pile of cardboard.
A lot of people posted photos [on social media] with their “I voted” stickers. This is kind of interesting: every state now has a different design. Beto O’rourke, who is running for governor of Texas, has an “I voted” sticker with a cactus on it . ... Dr. Oz, who, you know, is running for a seat in Pennsylvania, voted in his home state of New Jersey, and President Biden’s sticker is actually a pin; it says “Win with Taft.” That’s probably an old suit.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
Pennsylvania Republican Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz conceded yesterday in a phone call to Lt. Gov. John Fetterman. Fetterman knew it was him because it was not a Pennsylvania number.
A T-rex dinosaur skull will go up for auction next month and is expected to sell for 20 million of Nic Cage’s dollars.
A professional archer in Denmark recently broke a Guinness World Record by shooting seven arrows through a keyhole. Great for him, terrible for his nosey neighbor.