Late laughs
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Last night [Feb. 5] was the 65th annual Grammy Awards, and I love the Grammys. Where else can you see Beyoncé and Taylor Swift together? You know? Ticketmaster’s like, “We can’t even make one of those things happen.”
Over the weekend [Feb. 4], U.S. military fighter jets shot down a Chinese spy balloon over the Atlantic Ocean, and this is fun: instead of a medal, the pilot who popped the balloon got to pick any stuffed animal on the top shelf . ... Yeah, the balloon floated from Montana to South Carolina. Somehow it got across the country faster than someone flying Southwest.
Earlier tonight [Feb. 7], President Biden delivered the State of the Union address. Of course, Democrats spent most of the night clapping for Biden. It wasn’t for anything he said. They were just trying to keep him awake. They were like, “Alright, hey ... hey! Come on.” It was a tough night for all of Biden’s staffers watching from the White House, because every time people clapped, the lights went on and off.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
At an event at the White House last week [Feb. 2] celebrating the 30th anniversary of the Family and Medical Leave Act, former president Bill Clinton said that he has more people bring up this law than “any other specific thing he did.” Well, I don’t know. I feel like it’s the second. That’s like O.J. saying most people bring up his Hertz commercials.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, the restaurant chain Cracker Barrel has launched a new contest that’ll give five couples free food for a year if they get engaged at the restaurant. Also doing a promotion for newly engaged couples at Cracker Barrel: divorce attorneys.
The Pentagon said yesterday [Feb. 6] that the military failed to detect three Chinese spy balloons over the continental U.S. during the Trump administration due to a[n] “awareness gap” and because, after the eclipse, Trump wasn’t allowed to look in the sky anymore.
The Late Late Show With James Corden
According to reports, House Speaker Kevin Mccarthy personally requested that Biden not use the phrase “extreme MAGA Republicans” during the State of the Union address. He asked Biden to please use a more inclusive term like “insurrectionist Americans.” This is very much like Mccarthy’s run for House Speaker: if he doesn’t get what he wants, he’s going to ask 14 more times until he does.
Republican Marjorie Taylor Greene kept standing up and booing the president throughout the speech [Feb. 7], at one point even yelled, “liar.” Out of force of habit, George Santos immediately jumped up and was like, “No, I’m not.”
President Biden travelled to Tampa, Florida, for a speech today [Feb. 9] where he argued that voters can’t trust Republicans to protect Social Security and Medicare. The president wrapped up his speech mid-afternoon, otherwise known in Florida as “dinner time.” You know, Biden, he wasn’t even supposed to be there; he wasn’t supposed to go, but once he turned 80, he just instinctively started migrating south to Florida.