Dad needs to do some soul-searching before sons meet
Q. My ex and I married really young, I was 19 he was 20. We had a child soon after, but my ex was not ready to be a father and left us. He moved back in with his parents in another state and went to college, graduating with honors, but we rarely saw him. I stayed in touch with his parents by email. About two years later I met a wonderful man. We also married, and he became very close to my son. My son knows he is not his biological father, but he calls him DAD. Last week I got a call from my ex’s mother saying that her son had remarried and has another child. He would like our son to meet his sibling. I am at a loss for how to handle this. My son is 8 years old. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Many times, this kind of situation is complicated by parents not telling the child that his bonus dad is not his biological father. The shock can be devastating. That your son knows the truth will make the process much easier for everyone — especially your son.
My experience with the court system in California tells me that if your child’s father went to court to initiate visitation, it would probably be granted. (I am not sure about other states.)
Many will read this and be surprised at my matter-of-fact response. Although I cannot predict the outcome of every case, that is simply my experience.
My experience also suggests that it would be approached as a step plan. The most common procedure would be to slowly introduce your ex to his son, starting with supervised visits, progressing to hourly visits, then day visits, then overnights. If one step is missed or not completed, the approach is reevaluated. It takes a while, if done correctly, so as not to traumatize the child.
Notice I did not mention your son’s sibling. First, the relationship with the father must be established. It is ironic that a desire for the siblings to meet is the catalyst for dad reentering his son’s life. Dad needs to do some heavy soul-searching before he takes this on.
I would suggest you begin with a meeting with your son’s father to discuss his expectations. Finding a therapist familiar with similar cases will help to guide you all through the process. This may require counseling for you and dad to lay the groundwork for future communications.
Then, slowly integrate your son. Your husband will probably play a large part as well. If done properly, everyone must be aware that this will not be a quick fix. You can see why asking a therapist for help should be seriously considered.
Dad may want to move the process along faster than is psychologically prudent for your son. But it is important that dad remains diligent, consistent and patient. To start the process, then bail because it is too tough or is taking too long will seriously impact your son — and wanting the siblings to meet should not be the primary reason behind reentering his son’s life.
Dad must make sure this is something he really wants to do and will remain in your son’s life from this day forward. That’s good ex-etiquette.
(Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, bonusfamilies.com. Email her at the Ex-etiquette website exetiquette. com at dr.jann@exetiquette.com.)