The Late Show With Stephen Colbert (R)
Belgium is struggling to incinerate all of the cocaine it seized in yet another record year. Well, there’s an easy fix. If they’re struggling to keep up, give the people running the incinerator cocaine. They will not sleep until the job is done. Sean Hannity was on a text chain with “Fox and Friends’” Steve Doocy, and Sean complained about the news team’s insistence on reporting facts, writing, “News” destroyed us.” Well, if it makes you feel any better, Sean, you also destroyed news. Oklahoma voters overwhelmingly rejected an effort to legalize recreational marijuana. What are you thinking, Oklahoma? Your whole state is a pipe . ... Oh, it’s a “panhandle,” sure. Republicans have sponsored a bill that would allow 14- and 15-year-olds to work certain jobs in meat packing plants . ... These bills loosen protections in some of the most dangerous workplaces. Case in point, Iowa’s bill would “allow students to work in places like mines ... if those jobs are part of a work-based learning program.” You can learn a lot by working in the mines, like why we used to have laws to keep kids from working in mines.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (R)
There’s a new smart device called Companion that babysits your dog by entertaining it, feeding it and monitoring its health. Yep. There’s also a cheaper option. It’s called not having a dog. I heard about a British fisherman who caught a goldfish that was over 60 pounds . ... The goldfish was like, “So I went a little overboard on Thanksgiving, OK? What, everyone’s a judge?” Elon Musk reportedly told Twitter employees that he’s done laying people off and is now looking to start hiring. Elon knew he needed more people when he looked around the Twitter office and saw fewer than 280 characters. Well, get this. A man in the U.K. thought he was losing his hearing and then discovered that part of an earbud had been stuck in his ears for five years. After doctors removed it, he was like, “Thanks. I’ve had that song stuck in my head since 2017.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live! (R)
Well, kids, what the former president of the United States said about me and Stephen Colbert and all the late-night hosts, I guess, is this: “These Losers are dying, they are bad for our Country, which is in serious decline. Nobody wants to watch this negativity anymore. There’s nothing funny about them. They’re highly overpaid, easily replaceable fools!” And yet, unlike you, we still have our jobs. Mashed potatoes are the second most popular side item, according to Campbell’s. The soup people released what they call the State of the Sides report. The No. 1 most popular side item was stuffing, and the report also found that two-thirds of Americans prefer the side dishes to the main course, which, you hear that turkeys? We’re killing you for fun. A lot of Republicans wish that this monster they helped create would go away, but he [Trump] just keeps coming back. He’s like herpes: once your party has him, you can’t get rid of him — all you can do is try and shorten the outbreaks.