The unseen sexuality of seniors: ‘It’s not over until it’s over’
Now that the nation has met Gerry Turner, the septuagenarian stud and star of ABC’S The Golden Bachelor, the idea of older Americans hooking up is percolating in everyday discourse.
You might not like thinking of grandma going out on the town, but some flames blaze on, constant as a pilot light.
“Seeing older people on TV demonstrating interest in others, along with sexual desire, shows that we don’t change much as we age,” said Ilene Warner-maron, a professor in the department of Geriatrics and Palliative Medicine at the Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine.
“If you want to ride a bike and you still can, who says you’re too old? In life, there’s no such thing as a dirty old man or woman.”
When younger people think of older people having sex, they often picture their parents, a difficult scenario to contemplate, Warner-maron acknowledged.
She added, “A person said to me, ‘Older people having sex is disgusting.’
“I asked him, ‘At what age would you stop having sex?’
‘Oh, never,’ he said.
“And that’s the answer.”
With his thick hair, subtle Midwestern magnetism, and insouciant sporting of “ear candy” — elder-speak for his two hearing aids — Turner, a 72-year-old grandfather and widower, gifts America by conveying the message that romance at any age is possible.
“I know that when younger people see us, they think we cut off all desire,” said Marcie Lyons-dicamillo, 69, of Southampton, Bucks County. “We don’t.”
DATING AROUND
In fact, said Lyons-dicamillo, who taught kindergarten and first grade for 38 years in Philadelphia schools, certain carnal male behaviors have persisted through the decades: “I’ve gone on a few dates since my husband of 36 years died five years ago. I haven’t met anybody who wants relationships. They just want sex. Men are still the same.”
She meets men online or at the senior center at the Kleinlife community center in Northeast Philadelphia. A lover of aerobics and travel, Lyons-dicamillo says she’s a doer, but that many guys can be absolute sluggards.
“They aren’t available because they need to watch Eagles games,” said the mother of two and grandmother of five. “Or, you do manage to go out with someone and try to connect, but then they ghost you.
“It gets lonely.”
Active older people like Lyons-dicamillo are quite common, said Allen Glicksman, a social gerontologist and researcher at Newcourtland, an agency headquartered in Philadelphia’s Germantown neighborhood that helps seniors find housing and health care.
“For certain people, there’s sometimes risk in activities,” he said. “But some would rather die having fun than sit for 20 years.”
Because there are 124 elderly women aged 65 to 84 for every 100 similarly aged men (over 84, it’s 176 to 100), federal figures show, women understand it can be difficult to find partners. In Philadelphia, it’s even harder, where there are 90,000 more women than men, the widest gender gap among American big cities.
Glicksman said a TV program like The Golden Bachelor — with 22 women between ages 60 and 75 competing for Gerry’s love — goes a long way toward battling ageism, “which dictates all seniors are frail.”
“Or that older sex is cringeworthy. Or rare.”
There are, in fact, retirement homes in Philadelphia resembling “college dorms, with people hopping in and out of each other’s apartments at night,” Warner-maron said.
One result of unrestrained activity such as that, experts say, is that half of all adults living with HIV are over 50.
“I started doing research in HIV in older adults, but nobody was interested,” Warner-maron said. “I was told: ‘Sex and older people. Why would anyone bother studying that?’”
CHEMISTRY
Alcira Laurenzi, 79, of Center City, said she and her husband had enjoyed “45 beautiful years of marriage, until a friend liked what I had and took it away from me. I got divorced.”
Lately, she’s been finding datable men online, or at the Philadelphia Senior Center in Center City, part of Newcourtland.
“If the chemistry is there, that feeling is not much of a change from when you’re younger,” said Laurenzi, a mother of two with four grandchildren. She used to work in a hospital office.
With the wisdom that age bestows, Laurenzi said she can quickly size up a man’s personality and decide whether she and he are simpatico.
“When I notice something I don’t care for, I dismiss him — gently. If I don’t have a ring, I don’t have to stick around.”
CLOUD NINE
Sandy Levin, 79, of Northeast Philadelphia, said her philosophy has been: “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
Her husband of 44 years died 12 years ago. Then Levin was with a man for more than a decade who moved to Boston. After that, she dated a man with whom she’d host trivia games in various nursing homes. He died recently.
A former high school and college administrator, Levin, the mother of one, said her relationships fostered “indescribable feelings when you’re on cloud nine. It’s just wonderful.”
Detailing intimacy at an older age, she said, “For most men, Viagra was heaven-sent. And, not to diminish the sex act for a woman, but having a man just hold and kiss you makes you feel special. You feel vital, seeing someone look at you like you’re a beautiful, young woman.
“And I’ve learned something important over time: It’s not over until it’s over.”