Steely resolve needed to get a handle on kitchen knob project

Now, it’s knobs? As detailed a few weeks ago in this space, the transformation of our kitchen to all-stainless steel appliances is complete. Or so I thought.

Budgetary constraints have extended the updated kitchen project over the past couple of years, as they do for many folks. First it was the dishwasher, then the stove and recently, the refrigerator and microwave. They’re all in and they all look spiffy. (They are not all paid for, but spiffy is what we’re going for right now.) At least everything looks good to me. The Blonde Accountant . . . well, not so much. It’s not that she doesn’t like the look, it’s just that it’s still . . . incomplete.

“vou know, the new stainless steel appliances are making those cabinets look bad,” she said while surveying the newlook kitchen.

“Huh? What? Wait a minute,” I said. “Everything looks great ? even the cabinets.” “No, they need new knobs,” she said. Knobs? No habla knobs. They already have knobs. Of course I didn’t say that. I’ve been around long enough to know that the kitchen is an important part of the home — maybe the most important room in the house — and people who pay attention to those kinds of things (apparently everybody but me) take it very seriously. So if it’s knobs she wants, then it’s knobs she’ll have. The big home improvement store is the obvious choice for knob-shoppers. And boy, it’s the Fort Knox of knobs. It’s got every knob known to mankind. I figured this would be an easy task, given that stainless steel is stainless steel. It’s not like we’re choosing colors like taupe, mauve, citrine, azure, pumpkin, eggplant, cabernet, sage or mustard. (What are we doing here, picking colors or having lunch?) How difficult can it be to pick out a stainless steel knob?

Silly me ? there are a handful of different styles and shapes and sizes of stainless steel knobs. I had no idea that being a knobmaker was such a lucrative proposition.

And then, of course, during the browsing portion of the excursion, I was asked my preference on which stainless steel knob I preferred. See, she does that just to mess with me. She doesn’t really want my opinion on knobs because she knows I have absolutely no opinion on knobs. In fact, at that point, I wasn’t even sure what I was doing in the store.

Finally, a decision on knob style was made. We grabbed what we needed and headed to the checkout counter. The total cost was $75. For knobs. Really? I swear somebody is making a boatload of money on knobs and it isn’t me. Wonder what kind of degree I need to become a knobmaker?

And you know that wasn’t the end. The knobs still had to be switched out on the cabinets. This, of course, falls under my jurisdiction, despite the fact that I am a well-known incompetent home improvement guy. I take out the trash and change lightbulbs. And then I need a nap. That is the extent of my home improvement skill set.

So we had Knob Changing Day at our house over the weekend. I grabbed the screwdriver, being careful to use the business end of it for the project. That may not seem like a big deal to you home improvement experts, but I have been known to select the wrong tool for the job as well as use the wrong end of it for the task at hand. Using a screwdriver and not drawing blood — usually my own — is a significant accomplishment.

I had put two knobs in place, one by a cabinet nearest the dishwasher and one by a cabinet nearest the refrigerator. Everything went smoothly and I was preparing to install the others.

Mike Morsch is executive editor of Montgomery Newspapers. The conclusion of his column can be found at montgomerynews.com or BucksLocalNews.com.