It came upon a holiday letter
Easy Does It
Do you look forward to those holiday letters inserted in Christmas cards that compete with the junk mail in your mailbox this time of year? Writing Yule letters to summarize what happened in the family during 2012 is a tradition and an art all by itself. Someday there might be special schools opening to teach people how to summarize what happened to them over the past year in, say, 250 words or less.
ft’s like an ad stuffer for a Christmas card that says, “Ho, ho to me, see the merry f accomplished!”
The letters f’ve received at year’s end from people who want to tell me about what they did that f didn’t do is my burden, and f’m surviving it. ff you are writing one of these epistles, feel free to copy any and all of the following activities, and if not, make them up like f do.
Here are a few holiday letters f’ve received from friends who got my address right and strangers who got the address wrong, but my mailman didn’t care anymore. The names have been changed to protect all of us.
This one is written in red ink (a holiday color, so far so goodF on non-holiday blue writing paper with white snowflakes scribbled all over:
“fn November our Great Aunt Stonehinge (she spells her name with an ‘i’ so it will remain a fictional nameF broke her leg while stuffing a deceased Thanksgiving turkey carcass into the overflowing garbage can with high heels. “How exciting when the ambulance, siren screaming, squealed to a stop to attract and enthrall the neighbors on both sides of the street. Nothing like that ever happened in their lives. gumping out were EMT’s in white ready for the challenge. More neighbors arrived who f saw at our Fourth of guly barbecue.
“Rescuer Phil or Bill or something immediately took charge, bundling our favorite aunt (she had moneyF in a blanket and placing both her and our garbage can on a stretcher before sliding both into their big long ambulance. The garbage can was as dented as the patient’s leg so both went to the hospital for comparison purposes to see if the injuries warranted the trip.
“Our last glimpse was Mrs. S looking through the ambulance window next to a buxom nurse dressed all in white and holding our garbage can steady as the ambulance warbled its siren and took off down our street toward hospital heaven. The neighbors displaying letdown fatigue adjourned to our front porch to compare notes and plan their New Year celebration.
“A month has passed, and my husband is threatening to sue the hospital for not returning our garbage can. Trash is piling up. f told him they haven’t returned our aunt yet, and we can always get another can but we can’t get another aunt. We think Mrs. H and her dented can will soon recover and return in plenty of time for firecrackers.
Children and their amazing accomplishments are high on the list of things discussed in other holiday letters.
Writes one exuberant mother in her Christmas card addendum: “Little Debbie, our four-year-old, has been cordoned off into the advanced xylophone class at her advanced kindergarten. When we asked her if that was something catching that would need therapy, she replied in perfect tooth-deprived, lisp-free English:
“‘My assigned instrument has a series of wooden bars graduated in length so as to sound the notes of the scale when f strike them with small wooden hammers,’ she grinned toothlessly, explaining she was chosen as first xylophonist for the New Year’s patriotic concert at her school requiring an hour’s of practice every day. Her mastery of the complicated instrument is a great joy to her dad and me.
“When her father asked if she liked playing a musical instrument, she replied, ‘Oh, yes, indeedy daddy dearest. When f grow up, f’m going to be a xylophonist with Gene hrupa.’
“As her father was breaking the news that the famed bandleader died in 1973, f was already dialing the number for our family psychotherapist.
“ft’s so difficult raising children these days. We can barely keep pace with our Facebook posts.”
Want to share your holiday letters? heep it merry!
yrdezdoesit@comcast.net