Steely re­solve needed to get a han­dle on kitchen knob project

The Ambler Gazette - - DATEBOOK -

Now, it’s knobs? As de­tailed a few weeks ago in this space, the trans­for­ma­tion of our kitchen to all-stain­less steel ap­pli­ances is com­plete. Or so I thought.

Bud­getary con­straints have ex­tended the updated kitchen project over the past cou­ple of years, as they do for many folks. First it was the dish­washer, then the stove and re­cently, the re­frig­er­a­tor and mi­crowave. They’re all in and they all look spiffy. EThey are not all paid for, but spiffy is what we’re go­ing for right now.)

At least ev­ery­thing looks good to me. The Blonde Ac­coun­tant . . . well, not so much. It’s not that she doesn’t like the look, it’s just that it’s still . . . in­com­plete.

“vou know, the new stain­less steel ap­pli­ances are mak­ing those cab­i­nets look bad,” she said while sur­vey­ing the new-look kitchen.

“Huh? What? Wait a minute,” I sDiG. “(YHUyWKing ORRNs gUHDW ― even the cab­i­nets.” “No, they need new knobs,” she said.

Knobs? No habla knobs. They al­ready have knobs.

Of course I didn’t say that. I’ve been around long enough to know that the kitchen is an im­por­tant part of the home — maybe the most im­por­tant room in the house — and peo­ple who pay at­ten­tion to those kinds of things Eap­par­ently ev­ery­body but me) take it very se­ri­ously. So if it’s knobs she wants, then it’s knobs she’ll have.

The big home im­prove­ment store is the ob­vi­ous choice for knob-shop­pers. And boy, it’s the Fort Knox of knobs. It’s got ev­ery NnRE NnRwn WR mDnNinG. , figuUHG this would be an easy task, given that stain­less steel is stain­less steel. It’s not like we’re choos­ing col­ors like taupe, mauve, citrine, azure, pump­kin, egg­plant, caber­net, sage or mus­tard. EWhat are we do­ing here, pick­ing col­ors or hav­ing OunFK?) HRw GiI­fiFuOW FDn iW EH WR pick out a stain­less steel knob?

SiOOy mH ― WKHUH DUH D KDnGIuO of dif­fer­ent styles and shapes and sizes of stain­less steel knobs. I had no idea that be­ing a knob­maker was such a lu­cra­tive propo­si­tion.

And then, of course, dur­ing the brows­ing por­tion of the ex­cur­sion, I was asked my pref­er­ence on which stain­less steel knob I pre­ferred. See, she does that just to mess with me. She doesn’t re­ally want my opin­ion on knobs be­cause she knows I have ab­so­lutely no opin­ion on knobs. In fact, at that point, I wasn’t even sure what I was do­ing in the store.

Fi­nally, a de­ci­sion on knob style was made. We grabbed what we needed and headed to the check­out counter. The to­tal cost was $75. For knobs. Re­ally? I swear some­body is mak­ing a boat­load of money on knobs and it isn’t me. Won­der what kind of de­gree I need to be­come a knob­maker?

And you know that wasn’t the end. The knobs still had to be switched out on the cab­i­nets. This, of course, falls un­der my ju­ris­dic­tion, de­spite the fact that I am a well-known in­com­pe­tent home im­prove­ment guy. I take out the trash and change light­bulbs. And then I need a nap. That is the ex­tent of my home im­prove­ment skill set.

So we had Knob Chang­ing Day at our house over the week­end. I grabbed the screw­driver, be­ing care­ful to use the busi­ness end of it for the project. That may not seem like a big deal to you home im­prove­ment ex­perts, but I have been known to se­lect the wrong tool for the job as well as use the wrong end of it for the task at hand. Us­ing a screw­driver and not draw­ing blood — usu­ally my own — is D sig­nifiFDnW DFFRmSOisK­ment.

I had put two knobs in place, one by a cab­i­net near­est the dish­washer and one by a cab­i­net near­est the re­frig­er­a­tor. bvery­thing went smoothly and I was pre­par­ing to in­stall the oth­ers.

“Wait, I’m not lik­ing the way those knobs are look­ing,” said The Blonde Ac­coun­tant. “Don’t put the rest of them on just yet.”

Knob Chang­ing Day turned into Knob Chang­ing Week­end as The BORnGH $FFRunWDnW OHW WKRsH fiUsW two knobs fer­ment in the kitchen for an­other 24 hours, just to make sure they were the ones she wanted.

On Day 2 of Knob Chang­ing WHHNHnG, , fin­isKHG swiWFKing RuW the rest of the knobs and things ap­peared both hunky and dorey. At least to me. “vou know, those knobs are mak­ing the kitchen coun­ter­tops look pretty dated,” she said.

Ah­h­h­hhh! If I had any hair left, iW wRuOG EH Rn fiUH. , FDn’W wDiW un­til we get around to re­do­ing the bath­rooms.

Mike Morsch is ex­ec­u­tive ed­i­tor of Mont­gomery Me­dia and au­thor of the book, “Danc­ing in My Un­der­wear: The Sound­track of My Life.” He can be reached by call­ing 215-542-0200, ext. 415 or by email at msquared35@ya­hoo.com. This col­umn can also be found at www.mont­gomerynews.com.

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