Era of larger families means more holiday balancing acts

For Amy Kinzel, where to celebrate Thanksgiving is a no-brainer.

She’ll prepare a dinner for six at her house in Cherry Hill, N.J., seven if you count 19-month-old Sam. In addition to her husband, Paul, her mother and brother will break bread, along with two others, who may or may not be related, but otherwise do not have a place to make merry for the holiday.

“To me, it doesn’t seem complicated,” Kinzel said.

Yet it could have been. After all, Paul’s mother lives in Connecticut, where she will spend Thanksgiving with her daughter and family. To join forces for turkey day, the Kinzels would either pack the car up and fight the wretched traffic to Connecticut or maybe pay for Mom to come south by plane or train.

In an era of extended and expanded families, with in-laws and stepchildren and ex-spouses, where to spend one of the quintessential American holidays can pose a dilemma that could — on a bad day — drive a wedge through familial relationships.

“Often holidays offer an opportunity for celebration and sharing rituals,” said Charlotte Markey, associate professor of psychology at Rutgers University-Camden. “But it can also be a time for conflict that can be difficult. Who do you spend time with? What will you be eating? How do you amend rituals as family members change?”

Take Arn Everman, of Collingswood, N.J. “When you are divorced, it’s more chaotic with children,” the 54-year-old said. “Trying to figure out the logistics can be hectic.”

These days, Everman’s children are grown. This year, they chose to be with their mother, he said. He’ll probably dine with his girlfriend in Oaklyn.

Sue and Bob Evans, of Haddonfield, N.J., have two grown children: Mike in Salt Lake City and Christine in Boston. The couple will share the holiday in Boston with Christine while Mike stays in Salt Lake.

“We really have no conflicts, no arguments of where to go,” said Sue.

The couple have gone to Salt Lake City in the past, Bob said. And the children have come to Haddonfield, either together or on different years. “Usually one can travel and one cannot, or we can travel,” he said. “We try and do the best we can.”

In deciding which family to visit, consider whether there is an elderly or sick relative.

“Perhaps visiting that family would take precedence. Explaining this to other family might help them understand your absence,” said Sean Duffy, associate professor of psychology at Rutgers-Camden.

Other families might choose to celebrate twice, going to one house on Thanksgiving then having leftovers the next day with the other family, Duffy said.

“Some families also alternate between Thanksgiving with one side of the family and Christmas with the other.”

Choices are sometimes limited by geography. Nichole Mowatt, 24, of Ridgecrest, Calif., attends college in South Jersey. This year, she will spend the holiday with her boyfriend’s family, while the rest of her family gathers around a table on the West Coast. “My mom’s OK with this,” she said. A generation ago, Thanksgiving wasn’t always so splintered. “When I was little, dinners were with 20 or more,” Kinzel said.

These days, people have to do what works for them, Markey said. “It may be time to accept that the ritual does not work anymore.”