Today’s hot-button topic: Proper way to pass gas in bed

Today’s question: My question is about an issue that comes up when my wife and I are in bed. When the need arises and I pass gas, I am a gentleman and raise the sheet so the fan will dissipate the flatulence. My wife thinks this is ridiculous as she tends to pass gas under the sheets, and says that is the preferable method. Will you help us out?

Never let it be said that here at Valley 101 we are afraid to take on the real hot-button issues of daily life. Let the grown-up columnists huff and puff about the CPS scandal or Arpaio or Iran nukes all they want. Valley 101 saves its energy for helping real people face real life in a real superficial style.

The way I see it, there are four issues here.

For starters, if you feel the urge to fart, I’d say the polite thing to do would be to take it on down the hall. However, we all know this is not always possible.

Next, in regard to your sheetflapping technique: I doubt if it really does much good, and it only calls attention to an already awkward situation. If you were in a meeting with your boss and ripped one, you wouldn’t jump up and start waving papers around, would you?

Third is what is known as the Dutch oven technique. (Really.) In this, both parties stay in bed and pull the covers a little tighter in an effort to confine any unseemly odors.

And fourth, the “who, me?” plan, under which both parties pretend nothing ever happened.

I will leave it to you and your bedmate to decide what works best for you.