Dissect boyfriend’s reasons for actions

Hi, Carolyn: Is it controlling of me to want, but not insist, that my boyfriend of one year cease contact with his ex?

I can answer that with a yes. Would it make a difference, however, if said ex once threatened me and called me unrepeatable names?

I am a forgiving sort, but she’s never apologized.

I don’t do drama. To me this is out of bounds. Yes, I am questioning his ability to be straight with me, but is he denying they’re in touch because I am uncomfortable with their continued friendship?

— Yes … But … What — that would make it OK for him to lie to you? And to send his ex the tacit message that what she did was OK?

I appreciate that you don’t want to be controlling, but it’s not controlling to want something.

Controlling is to believe, and then act on the belief, that his role in your life justifies doing whatever it takes to change his behavior.

If all you’re doing is growing increasingly concerned that your boyfriend is in touch with a still-invested and possibly unstable ex and lying to you about it, then the whole control issue is a red herring.

“Why would he want to be friendly with someone who treated me that way?” — that’s the best question in your question.

Either way, if you have fact-based suspicion, then it’s time to present it to your boyfriend calmly — “This is why I think you’re in touch with Ex and denying it.” Then use his answer to decide whom to trust, him or yourself. Don’t stay unless the answer is “both.”