Change bitter perspective about daughter’s divorce

Dear Carolyn: My daughter is doing very well postdivorce. I can’t seem to shake the anger I have for her ex, though. He left the marriage for a co-worker, and they’re getting married. My granddaughters, 4 and 9, are happy Daddy’s getting married. I feel he got a free pass because my daughter has made it so easy for him, even though that has been hard for her. She does it for the girls.

I hate him for what he did to my daughter and our family. I’ve had some counseling but feel very stuck. Everyone keeps telling me to get over it. None of these people has ever had a daughter go through what I saw her go through. Thoughts? — Stuck in Time None of them has, but your daughter has gone through what you saw her go through. By your calculation, shouldn’t she be angrier than you are? Not only that, your granddaughters also have come through this with their optimism intact — so important.

So, what do you want here? Have you said to yourself, “When X happens, I will no longer be angry”?

I feel near-certain how you will define X: that you just want the ex to apologize or admit he had your daughter’s replacement lined up before he left. You want him to pay somehow because you feel certain that he (1) hasn’t paid, and (2) should pay.

If I’m right about this, then welcome to the dark and angry tar pit that will hold you until archaeologists clean you off and mark you with acid-free tags.

You can see the divorce as destroying this little family, or compromising its future, or putting it on an unexpected new path. You have enough information to justify whichever of these conclusions you want to embrace. Aries (March 21-April 19). You’ll lead with a question — something you want to know about — and you’ll get deeply involved in finding the answer. Taurus (April 20-May 20). Your confidence is on the rise, which makes you attractive. Your sense of certainty draws attention and supporters to you. Gemini (May 21-June 21). You are feeling so independent these days that you will require very little outside reassurance or advice in order to do what you want to do. You can take care of yourself better than anyone else could, and you’ll prove it. Cancer (June 22-July 22). It’s amazing what gets lost when one’s head is buried in the digital world. You’ll make a point of engaging in natural beauty, face-toface conversation and physical contact. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You’ll excel in (and be paid well for) a role that has you emphasizing and celebrating the positive. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). At times like these, you wonder and maybe feel slightly cynical about the true nature of love. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). If there are strings attached, the gift won’t be worthwhile. Be wary of generosity from those who have a mixed reputation. As Shakespeare said, “Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.” Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). Arm yourself with good stories, jokes and the like because the frustrated people of the world will be looking to you for help to rise above the circumstances in moments of human bonding.

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21). Your brain holds some memories in locked chambers, only to be undone by the key of absolutely needing to know. So explore gently, and trust that when you need to remember, you will. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). This body of yours has carried you around in style, and it also has given you grief. You’re learning to support its changes, listen to what it wants and accept what it can and can’t do. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). Though you embrace the experimentation, trials and errors that come with learning, too many errors in a row can be demoralizing. That’s why it’s sometimes good to choose an easy game and let yourself enjoy the win. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). “There” is no better than “here,” so it’s a silly place to put your longing focus — also, it diffuses your personal charisma to do so. Today’s Birthday (Oct. 26). You’ll accomplish many things because of your tenacity. You stick with projects as others around you lose patience and stamina. You’ll meet a kind supporter in November. The relationship offers opportunity, though be careful not to let this person dominate your scene. May and August are for adventuring. Libra and Capricorn people adore you. Your lucky numbers are: 40, 2, 33, 14 and 38.