CAROLYN HAX

Dear Carolyn: My daughter has been married to “Peter” for eight years and they have two awesome girls, 4 and 1. They live near his parents. Thus, his parents can enjoy seeing their granddaughters at least once a week.

My wife and I organize a family reunion every Thanksgiving with our two sons, daughter, their spouses and kids. My sons and their families are always eager to attend, one of them flying from Europe.

My daughter and her family are not coming this year because Peter says they must go to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving.

Is this fair? His parents can enjoy the kids whenever they wish, while all we are asking is a day for a family reunion. Money is not an obstacle. I usually pay for flights, hotel, etc. — Sad Grandfather Ooh. You used the F word. You are asking only for one day a year, yes, to their 50-to-200-ish days.

But you are also asking for the same holiday every year. While if I were those parents I would grant you that, gladly, I also understand that people are funny about their holidays and their kids and grandchildren.

Perspective counts, of course, and — again — putting myself in the position of the in-town relatives, I would concede Thanksgiving without hesitation to the out-of-towners, because my advantage is that steep.

But in addition to their having a possibility of a point about Thanksgiving, there’s also nothing at the end of the “It’s not fair!” road except resentment and hard feelings. There’s no set of laws or rules spelling out what you win. These are families with full autonomy to blow you off for no reason. The best outcome you can hope for lies in your ability to be cheerful, understanding and flexible about what this young family needs.