Best to mind your own business and wait for the pie

This column was originally published Aug. 30, 2003:

So, this 10-year-old boy is sitting on a park bench smoking a big cigar and eating one candy bar after another. A lady walks by and watches him for a while and then says, “Little boy, it can’t be healthy for you to be smoking a cigar and eating all that candy.”

The boy says, “My grandfather lived to be 102.”

The lady says, “And did he smoke cigars and eat so much candy?”

The kid says, “No, he minded his own damn business.”

That’s not much of a joke, I suppose. It’s not nearly as funny as the talking parrot joke. However, I use it here to illustrate my new philosophy for solving, if not all, at least some of the world’s problems:

Let’s just all mind our own damn business.

Obviously, this cannot apply in every situation, but just think how much social, religious, cultural or even political strife we could be spared if we all just butted out. And there would be more time for pie.

And here’s the corollary to my new philosophy: Try not to get your name in the newspaper. Sure, sometimes getting your name in the paper might be a good thing, if it’s for getting a medal or something. However, for the most part, people get their names in the newspaper for being stupid. Or evil. Or dead.

So the next time you face a tough decision, ask yourself:

A) Is this my business? B) Do I want to get my name in the newspaper because of this? And C) I wonder if there’s any pie left?

I’m a vegetarian. Can I put my dog and two cats on a vegetarian diet?

According to the Pet Food Manufacturers Association, it is possible to feed a dog a balanced vegetarian diet. Cats, however, are what you call “obligate carnivores,” which means they need meat.

Before you start messing around with your pets’ diets, you should check with your vet.

Not that it’s any of my business.