Carolyn weighs in on the ‘divine plan’ theory of life

To illustrate, I’ll take your example: From the distance of just hearing it from your mom, you regard the sad news of your relative as something you would never be able to cope with. But if it had become your news without warning, part of your life trajectory, then I’m betting heavily on you to have coped with it. Because that’s what humans do.

Sometimes they don’t, obviously – some people break under the weight of what their lives become. But most endure and even find ways to feel joy again, and they dare to make new connections even after the severing of an old one causes nearly unbearable pain.

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I are planning our son’s bar mitzvah. We’ve set a budget for about $10,000, which is enough for a catered luncheon with a DJ for the kids after the service. My son and the kids will also be participating in an activity the next day.

My in-laws said people flying in for a bar mitzvah expect to be fed, and it’s outrageous that we’re not providing dinner on Friday and Saturday nights and breakfast and lunch on Sunday. They said we need to bump our budget up to the $30,000 to $40,000 range; my father-in-law doesn’t believe in casual food, only fine dining, and expects everything to be top-shelf.

We told them we didn’t have that kind of money to spend on a bar mitzvah. My mother-in-law is demanding that we feed everyone or she won’t come. My husband told her that’s her decision. What else can we do? Hug your husband. His was the perfect response.