TELL ME ABOUT IT

Dear Carolyn: My daughter was recently injured in a skydiving accident and had surgery on a vertebra in her back; she skydives for fun and has over 200 jumps and loves it.

How do I tell her the risks are too high – she has children – and she shouldn’t continue skydiving? She’s determined to go again as soon as she is recovered.

– Scared Mom

You don’t get to tell other adults how to live their lives.

It is simply not your business. The showiness of the risk involved with your daughter’s hobby of choice does not change this fundamental truth. You have no more say in her choices than if her idea of fun were quilting or Scrabble or cheese.

You don’t have to like this, either, or think it’s smart, or responsible, or even moral. All that’s required is to recognize adult autonomy is a complete answer unto itself. Unless you want your daughter up in your business and bills and health choices and hobby selections, you must accept there’s no place for you in hers.

You can tell her you’re disappointed in her decision to keep adding this risk to her life knowing it could traumatize her kids, since that’s your opinion and therefore about you. I would caution against this, though, as a poor use of your emotional capital: Given that she’s (presumably) going to ignore you and skydive anyway, voicing your opinion would strain your relationship with her for zero practical gain.

You can also tell her you would like to talk about any arrangements she has made for the children in the event of her death. Scorpio