TELL ME ABOUT IT

Dear Carolyn: My partner wants a baby and I don’t, and because we are same-sex there would be some difficulty involved in having one.

After many frustrating conversations, we have decided we will not have one. I see this as nothing more than sticking to our default state of childlessness, but my partner clearly thinks I have gotten my way and feels owed something in return.

I suggested adopting a new pet and that provoked anger, snide remarks and tears.

What else can one person provide to make up for not having a child? Even if I sound glib about it here, I actually do feel guilty about this on a daily basis.

– Baby Substitute

You can’t provide a substitute for a child. You didn’t choose a different thing, you chose a different life.

And the fact that you stuck to the same thing you already had doesn’t mean your partner did as well. Your partner’s “default state” was childlessness, technically, but that state included plans for future parenthood. So that default really was parenthoodto-be, which is not the same as your childlessness.

Your decision lopped off your partner’s expected life path. You came to it mutually, yes, but in areas where there is no compromise, just either-or, even a mutual decision means one of you 100 percent gets your way.

Understanding that, and saying so out loud, and being sensitive to it hereafter are three things you can provide to help make up for your partner’s loss.

Your question sounds glib not because you’re not trying but because your response to your partner so utterly lacks empathy. Leo Virgo Libra