TELL ME ABOUT IT

Dear Carolyn: I interact with my husband’s exwife, “Debby,” almost weekly at the kid handoff and other kid-related events. She is honestly one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met, and she has handled our marriage with nothing but grace and maturity.

Yet there is something that really upsets me every time I see her. She has an almost compulsive need to put herself down when she talks to me, usually in the context of how I am better in some way. “I wish I had your sense of humor … [husband] deserves someone who laughs at his jokes!” or “I am so glad [husband] doesn’t have to look at someone with these love handles anymore!” Sometimes they are obviously meant to be funny but there is a core of truth that makes me feel really uncomfortable, really sorry for her.

I know it is never as simple as one person’s being better than another, but I am about 10 years younger than she is and don’t think she would take kindly to my giving her a condescending lecture on how the chemistry between two people is its own organism or anything like that.

What do I do, just change the subject every time she does this, in perpetuity?

– Upset

This has so many ways to go wrong, for all the reasons you’ve given and a few you haven’t.

So I think you say something only if you’re confident you can do so with compassion but without a hint of pity – and only if you’re comfortable knowing you have only one shot at it. No fixes, no do-overs. And I think you say:

“I wish you were as kind to yourself as you have been to me.”

That’s it.

I hope you can do it. I hope she hears you.