TELL ME ABOUT IT

Dear Carolyn: My brother and sister-in-law have two little girls, 5 and 2, and I love the four of them very much.

My brother is a doctor and works many irregular and overnight shifts; my sister-in-law must necessarily manage the girls by herself a lot.

My brother and sister-in-law fight frequently. Typically at very low volumes, and never ever physically, but I tend to witness at least one fight per day when I visit.

During the last visit, I was coloring with my nieces in one room while their parents fought in the other. The 5-year-old looked at me and said, “We’ll just be quiet, Auntie. I see this a lot.” That broke my heart.

My husband and I were in couple’s therapy recently, and it helped us so much – something I’ve shared with my brother and sister-in-law. I desperately want to suggest they begin seeing a therapist because their small children are very clearly being affected by their fights – but I don’t know how to do this, or if I should bring up what my niece said to me. Any advice?

– L.

Ugh. You have to tell your brother what your niece said.

Only a parent who is openly pro-denial wouldn’t want to know. Though he might still respond to you with something short of gratitude for telling him; the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

Anyway, as you approach this difficult task, stay focused on these three essential elements: truth, compassion and discretion. Tell your brother exactly what you witnessed, tell him privately, and tell him you don’t judge – reminding him of your recent goround with couple’s counseling.

Then say you’ve shared your one reportable fact and are officially butting back out, unless and until he requests otherwise.