People-pleaser caught between husband, parents

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: I’m tired of feeling caught between my husband and my parents. They didn’t like him and outright told him they thought marrying him wasn’t the best path for me.

I recognize my family of origin is not the most functional. They are temperamental, judgmental, and resort to emotional manipulation. Growing up, I just went with it; I’m a pleaser. However, husband doesn’t like to see me get hurt so he tries to head off proposed visits by arguing what horrible things they might do/say (plausibly, based on past behavior).

But I think disappointing my parents is more painful than opening myself up to being burned by them. I don’t think they’re toxic enough to cut out of our lives! – Between a Rock and a Hard Place

“[D]isappointing my parents is more painful”? Translation: You’re not choosing toward your desire, but away from pain.

Your husband and parents have stubbornness in common. Pleasing is your emotional comfort zone, so that figures. Your husband does sound more focused on your interests than his own – but still, it’s pressure, which you react to by scrambling to please, so it’s essentially the same problem in a new form.

The main issue here is your inability to tune out what others want and just hear your own voice.

Disabling this decision-making ability is what domineering people do.

But even if your husband exercises a more benevolent kind of force, you still don’t have room to be you. So please make that room – a good therapist can show you how.