TELL ME ABOUT IT

Dear Carolyn: A few months ago, I moved abroad to teach English and moved in with a new roommate and we became close.

About the same time, I started dating my boyfriend. He’s dealt with racism and xenophobia his whole life.

Last month, he flew to my city to visit me. I told my roommate a week in advance, and a few days later she let me know she’d be out of town most of the weekend.

My boyfriend is sure she’s just plain racist and was scared to meet him. He wants me to stop being friendly with her and stop spending time with her.

I agree racism is the most likely reason for her avoidant actions. But I believe it’s wrong to suddenly treat her coldly without explaining why. And I don’t feel like her convenient scheduling is enough to fullout accuse her of being racist. – Suspicious, but Stuck

I see one solid declaration of your values, packed in some hedging I’ve placed in italics: You’re against shunning without explanation, and “don’t feel like her convenient scheduling is enough to full-out accuse her of being racist.”

Unhedge it and you have something solid to stand on: that your boyfriend might be right, but you don’t have enough proof.

If that’s an accurate read of your position, then don’t spin it, hide it.

Don’t avert your eyes to your boyfriend’s values, either: To him, suspicion of racism is enough for the friendship equivalent of a conviction, and enough to justify dictating to others whom they can and can’t treat as friends. Are you OK with that?