TELL ME ABOUT IT

Dear Carolyn: We have a very close family, which is great. Our daughter and her husband have two young daughters and built a house right behind our house.

The house is on a six-lane highway and now they want to move. I completely understand this. They have found a house on a lovely, quiet street where many of their friends live with children their girls’ ages.

My husband cannot or will not see why they would want to move away from us. He does not see the positives for them and thinks it would be a huge mistake.

I’m afraid he will be so hurt and disappointed that he will cause a rift in our family. Yes, I know he is being selfish and controlling, but what do you suggest to lessen his reaction?

– Close

As so many of us do without realizing it, your husband probably mounted this “selfish and controlling” reaction – as in, anger – to cover the feelings he’d rather not feel. Pain of loss, fear of being forgotten, discomfort with change and its pesky subtexts: the passage of time, irrelevance, death.

So please don’t let his arguments distract you, and don’t counter them with your (valid) points about the benefits of quiet streets or this couple’s prerogative to decide for themselves.

Instead, address the pain directly. Address the fear and discomfort. Identifying with him, with compassion.

Give his feelings a name, and a place to howl out of earshot from your daughter and her family. Give him the security of being understood – an ideal foundation on which to build a new normal for him.