TELL ME ABOUT IT

Hi, Carolyn: I never wanted to have kids. I spend my whole life avoiding kids. My attitude toward children had never been a problem until few years ago. That’s when I met “Dylan.” He is all the right things and more; however, he has a daughter, “Abby,” from a previous relationship. Abby is 6 and spends weekends with us.

We are not getting along and I don’t know how to change that. Apparently I am too hard on her, expect too much and don’t cuddle enough. I tend to be impatient and snappy and some of the weekends turn into a nightmare. Dylan and I are engaged and this puts a major strain on our relationship. How do I fix this?

– Bonus-Mom-to-Be

Bonus-Mom-to-Be: You start by recognizing that with a child in your home you already function as a parent, so you’re not any kind of “mom-to-be.” You cohabited away the luxury of not wanting kids. Don’t misread me on “luxury.” Opting out of having children is a fair choice and I judge no one who makes it.

However. Dylan is a father. Choosing Dylan erased your freedom to let your attitude call the shots.

So you either find it in your heart to love Abby, allin, and doing everything else that entails, or move out. Soon.

The “everything else” specifically includes taking parenting classes to teach you realistic expectations for Abby at every age. The Parent Encouragement Program (pepparent.org) has online offerings you can start on today.

Dylan is even more culpable than you are here, for moving in with someone unprepared to nurture his daughter. Protecting Abby was his primary responsibility. But he didn’t write to me.