TELL ME ABOUT IT

Dear Carolyn: Our family has always been very tight-knit. This has been tested in recent years, following my brother’s marriage.

Our last living grandparent passed away after a lengthy illness. Even though we knew it was coming, it was a huge blow.

For the funeral, my sister and I spent the weekend planning the service. My brother was the only grandchild not present.

He came the day of the funeral. His wife and three young children were not with him. Their absence was very conspicuous.

After the service, our brother apparently got a call from his wife – I wasn’t there – berating him for not leaving earlier, to pick up their child from sports practice.

Is there any way I can express to her how disappointed, hurt and angry we were (or at least, I was) by her seeming callousness toward my grandmother, who welcomed her with open arms? Does constructive criticism get through to people like that?

– Grieving and [Ticked] Off

Grieving and [Ticked] Off: What would be constructive about the criticism you plan?

Your pain is understandable and I am sorry for your loss. Grief is disorienting.

But it doesn’t give you say in things that aren’t your business – and how your brother conducts his marriage, even a terrible one, is none of your business.

You don’t know what role your brother had in decisions about this weekend. A family with three littles (+ pandemic!) could have a dozen reasons to opt out.

You also don’t know how your “very tight-knit” ways greet newcomers. It’s clear you took exception to your brother’s wife early; did the trouble start with her behavior toward all of you, or all of your behavior toward her? We could spend pages on chickens and eggs.