ASK CAROLYN

Hello, Carolyn:

Our adult daughter, 28, doesn’t call us often, but often when she does, she is in a blue funk and sees every aspect of her life as a negative.

I don’t know what to say in these calls because no matter what I say, she says something negative.

I had to walk away from the phone last night because she was causing me so much anxiety. I want to be a good listener, but I don’t know how to do it when she is in one of these negative phases.

– In a Funk

In a Funk: That just sounds like dumping. Parents are the usual target, even when the “kids” are 28. There’s an unspoken I-don’t-have-to-treatthis-as-a-regular-conversation rule, where Kid can talk at Parent without going through formalities. It’s not a great rule but there is something nice, for those who have a forgiving parent or mentor, about knowing you can still call sometimes and go aaaaaaa for 20 minutes not to get advice but just for the sake of saying aaaaaaa, then hang up and feel better.

If that is indeed your daughter’s default, then maybe just recognizing this as her coping strategy is enough for you to release the burden, too.

If merely identifying your role in this transaction isn’t enough to ease your anxiety, then you can take more deliberate steps. First, at a time you know she’s not in a funk, ask your daughter for clear instructions. As in: “I know you call us to offload stress, and I’m glad you trust us. I’m not always sure, though, what I can say that would be helpful. Do you want guidance, brainstorming, cheering up, just someone to listen?” A protocol could help you both.

Second, develop your own ritual for managing these calls: say, to make supportive sounds only, not try to fix anything, and do X afterward, where X is a thing you find restorative and can easily do after her calls to transition yourself out of dumpee mode.