Arizonans can survive the Super crush
Perhaps you’ve noticed that half the known world seems to have descended on Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport, toting signs, T-shirts and backpacks emblazoned with NFL shields and Roman numerals (as if any of us can count to LVII)?
The Super Bowl is in town, sucking attention from the WM Phoenix Open, the Arizona Cardinals coaching search, the Phoenix Suns and the return of Devin Booker, the top-five Arizona Wildcats men’s basketball team, the newly invigorated Arizona State football team, an anomaly known as “hockey,” spring baseball and the reality that the Mercury could lose Diana Taurasi (the greatest player in the history of women’s basketball) in a petty contract dispute.
And unless you’re ultra-wealthy or ultra-well-connected, that means you’ll be watching it all unfold on TV as the fancy folks enjoy the big game in Glendale from seats so pricey they could cover rent and groceries for an average Phoenix family.
Their expenses are your gain, amirite? All that money is sure to trickle down to us commoners in the form of jobs and economic opportunity, isn’t it?
Listen, even if it doesn’t, that shouldn’t mean you miss out on all the fun, even — and especially — if you’re not a football fan.
Here’s your guide to successfully navigating Phoenix’s time in the national spotlight:
It’s party time
Find something to do just to say you were a part of it all.
There are events and celebrations all over the Valley, featuring retired athletes and entertainers. Plenty of them are free. Go. Eat. Take pics, Tik Toks and Instagram reels. There’s no telling when or if the Super Bowl will ever be back, and you don’t want to spend the next 10 years explaining how or why you missed out on all of it.
Also, find a Super Bowl party. There are sure to be LVII-leven (that’s 57-leven, for the uninitiated) of them in every city from Gilbert to Glendale. This time of year is more for friends and family than football.
Just remember that if the party is at somebody’s house, you’ll want to wear good socks.
Junk the jargon
Unless you’re involved in the game, no one cares for your analysis of it as much as you think they do. Trust me.
Don’t try to explain how the Eagles’ offensive line should deal with the Kansas City pass rush or how Patrick Mahomes will need to be elusive from the pocket in spite of his bum ankle. Save your opinions on which team is better poised for the next five years or how much Philadelphia should pay Jalen Hurts.
If someone wants your opinion on all that, they’ll ask you. Believe me.
Just try to relax and see if you can help some rookie football fans enjoy the game the way you did when you first learned it. That means getting ready to answer some fun questions:
Why is an offensive tackle called a “tackle” when he doesn’t tackle anybody?
What’s a “down”?
How do they go to the bathroom after they get all that gear on?
Why isn’t a “two-point conversion” called a “double extra point”?
Why are all the “men” big guys, but the “backs” are little guys?
Save the jokes for the comedians
Use football puns sparingly, like jalapenos in Super Bowl salsa. Or at least be creative.
“Mahomes is my homie” and “Jalen Hurts the Chiefs” aren’t going to cut it at a good Super Bowl party. (And for goodness sakes, don’t start making “tight end” jokes after your fourth IPA.)
But if someone shows up wearing ratty old socks, feel free to call them a toe-tal embarrassment.
Find your crew
If you’re only there to watch the commercials, great. They’re funny, creative and memorable, if you’re into that sort of thing.
This isn’t a time to invade the living room and announce that you’re only there to watch the commercials as if that makes you somehow better than people who actually want to watch the game.
Same thing goes if you’re only there to watch the game. Don’t try shushing everybody while you play armchair quarterback and second-guess all the crucial decisions and moments.
Super Bowl LVII parties should be a chance for everybody to live and let live.
Enjoy the show
Halftime features Rihanna. She’s incredible. She’s one of the biggest pop stars and shrewdest businesswomen our generation has seen.
She took a little break from music and started a makeup line for women of color that’s been wildly successful. You might not know this, but before Rihanna showed up it was hard for Black women and Latinas to find makeup that matched their various skin tones. (Just don’t go all liberal elite and call it “cosmetic racism.” It’s not wrong, but it’s annoying.)
She represents the power and importance of diversity.
Just the reality that she saw the world differently allowed her to create a product that has generated jobs for everyone involved from production to marketing.
Rihanna’s inclusion highlights that. Diversity of thought can be wildly profitable for people of all backgrounds.
Plus, she’s sure to put on an unbelievable show. (To borrow from Royce 5’9”, a critically acclaimed rapper from my hometown, “Hi, Rihanna.”)
If you don’t know her music, sit quietly and try to keep up. But don’t spoil it for everyone else by complaining that it’s too loud. It’s not about you, right now. OK?
Half the known world seems to have descended on Phoenix to have a good time.
Don’t miss this opportunity to get in on it, even — and especially — if you aren’t a football fan, yet.