‘Wonderful’ relationship has become a nightmare

Dear Abby: I have been in a relationship for five years. It started out wonderful, but now I’m having second thoughts. He keeps putting my kids down and telling me I’m a bad mother. It’s so bad he has even put a knife to my throat. And, yes, he hits me.

There’s so much more I could say, but I am scared if he knew I was writing to you it would end badly for me. I need help, but I don’t know what to do. He has isolated me from my family and friends. Please help me.

Lost And Afraid In The East

Dear Lost: The man you are involved with is a dangerous abuser. What you must do next, for the sake of yourself and your children, is quietly contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233 or visiting thehotline.org for help in formulating a safe escape plan.

It has been some time since I printed the Warning Signs of an Abuser. For anyone who hasn’t seen this list, these are classic indicators. Read on:

Pushes For Quick Involvement: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

Jealous: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car.

Controlling: If you are late, interrogates you intensively about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

h Unrealistic Expectations: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

h Isolation: Tries to isolate you from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.” The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

h Blames Others For Problems Or Mistakes: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.

h Makes Others Responsible For His Or Her Feelings: The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of “I am angry,” or says, “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”

h Hypersensitivity: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

h Cruelty To Animals Or Children: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3year-old for wetting a diaper) or tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partners will also abuse children.

h “Playful” Use Of Force During Sex: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

h Sudden Mood Swings: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.